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We have been together for almost 4 years. At the beginning of our relationship, we made love almost every day, sometimes several times a day. After about half a year, the frequency decreased to about 1-2 times a week. I thought it was probably because he had moved in with me, that we were seeing each other too often and we became so common with sex. During the holidays we went to our homes and visited every 2-3 weeks. After the holidays, we moved in together again, this is why we will stay there permanently. I thought that something would change, that we had not lived together for so long that we would love each other more often. Meanwhile, the boy is enough 1-2 times a month. Sometimes when I start touching him in private places, he pushes me away, says: "leave it", "not now", "what are you doing". After a few days, when we talk about it, he says to me: "because you are having fun like that, instead of getting down to business right now". But when I want to get down to business, I'm thrown away again. I am slowly starting to run out of patience. Many of my friends' boyfriends once complained to my boyfriend that their girlfriends do not want to please them orally, they disgust them. I don't have a problem with that, but … my boyfriend does. Over the last year, he caressed me twice orally. When I talked to him about it, he apologized to me, said that he didn't know why it was, that it was not my fault. And to make matters worse, I caught him watching porn a few times, and recently found tissues that had a "specific smell". Why does the boy prefer to masturbate instead of making love to me? I understand she has to relieve stress etc. But usually guys do it when a girl refuses to have sex with them. But I never say no to my guy, unless I'm really tired, but that doesn't happen too often. I am asking for advice. What is going on? Maybe I'm weak in bed, unattractive, he's bored with him. I don't know, but I'm looking for the fault inside myself, because something must be there …
At the beginning of the relationship, when a couple begins their sexual life, the frequency of intercourse is usually high. With time, a certain rhythm of intercourse is established, which shows the level of sexual needs of both partners. It follows from your letter that your libido level is definitely higher than that of your partner and it may be so, despite the fact that it is usually the other way around and men haveI want sex more. However, it is disturbing that the partner avoids intimacy, does not allow himself to be touched, and avoids showing feelings. This shows a loosening of the emotional bond between you.
There are a number of factors that could have led to a decline in sexual interest and a partner's avoidance of intercourse. If in your relations there were, for example, conflicts, a fight for relationship dominance, betrayal, conscious violation of the other party's value system, they could have a secondary impact on functioning in the sexual sphere. The party claiming to be wronged has no incentive to engage in sexual contact. The basic principle on which a creative sexual partnership is based is getting to know the partner's needs and expectations and making efforts to satisfy them. It may also be that the partner is addicted to some particular sexual stimulus that he finds in fantasies and pornography that "traditional" sex does not give him. There can be many reasons for this.
To assess the chances of restoring intimacy in your relationship, it is essential to identify the reason why your partner avoids intercourse and intimacy with you. In such a situation, you should not be ashamed, but speak openly about your expectations and needs. However, without knowing your situation exactly, my conclusions are only assumptions. If an open and honest conversation with your partner does not help, it may be worth considering seeing a sexologist together. First of all, please do not find fault with yourself. You do not know the objective reason for your partner's avoidance of intercourse.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Agnieszka ChochołSexologist, psychologist, Solution Focused Therapy therapist, certified ICC coach. He deals with promoting broadly understood sexual he alth as well as providing help and support in the field of sexual and psychological difficulties. She conducts individual therapy and couples therapy. More at: http://sulec-radom.pl/
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