My woman has a son (3.5 years old). How can I deal with a situation when the biological father rebels the kid on every visit and phone call? He already discouraged one partner from being with her. His visits intensify when a new partner appears in her life. Sam already has a new wife. Today the child, after a telephone conversation, shouted to me: "You are not my dad!", When I fell asleep, he said: "Darek, you are naughty", in a few minutes: "Darek, don't hit me", in a moment "my dad is at work and he can't be with me ", then" Darek, you will never be my friend ". You can see that he is missing a father. I have never hit a child, I am against beating. When a child has no contact with his father, everything is fine. He wants me to bathe him, we go for walks, we play - it's great, but you can see that when he thinks about his father, he becomes aggressive. Sometimes she gets wet after her father visits. What to do to make the child feel at peace? He is very intelligent for his age. We do not want neither me nor his mother to limit the meetings with the father, who has limited parental rights, but it starts to resemble a war, and the only defeated child may be the child. The father has gone to another, but because of his jealousy, we have a problem with the child. It is very convenient to pay alimony and still rebel the child. Raising a child is an art, but being a stepfather is an art. I know, I can let go and find someone, but that's not the point …
Dear Darek! There is no single recipe for solving such situations. Everything depends on the character and level of intellect and culture of the biological father of the child. It would be he althiest for a boy if he could create a situation of cooperation between adults. They don't have to love each other to be a child's friend. Conversations about adults, especially with such a little boy, should not take place at all. If the mother were able to explain to the father that she was acting to the detriment of the child, the situation could significantly improve. It will probably be difficult, but you can try. I suppose the boy's parents split up relatively recently. Emotions are still playing and they will wane over time. The father has a new family, perhaps soon he will have another, his own children to whom he will pay attention. And then your son will stay only with you andthe bond with the father will weaken. I think you attach too much importance to the boy's words. A small child often repeats overheard sentences. But that doesn't mean he fully understands them. A small child cannot imagine the future. He does not know that he will most likely cease to care about his father soon, and his emotions will also subside. The child acts on the spur of the moment and cannot build safety in the long term. That's why adults have to think about it. And that's what you do. Be a friend of the child. Don't comment on his hostile reactions. But also, don't force yourself too much on him. Remember that after the parents split up, the boy has a very difficult emotional situation. I need time to find myself in this new world. The boy is not blind. After all, he observes you not only in direct contacts with himself, but also in contacts with his mother, who is the most important to him, and you love her. This gives you an advantage over your father. So you can stop worrying and wait patiently for some time. However, if you notice neurotic reactions (wetting) in your child after contact with the father, try to limit the frequency of contacts. There is no reason, for example, for a 3-year-old to confer with his father on the phone. A young child needs direct contact in which he feels close to another person. Words alone are not enough. Phones aren't for three-year-olds. You don't have to pick them up. Father should find out about it. He should also learn that if he wants to remain in contact and be a friend of the child, he or she must refrain from talking about adults or be kind about them. Should the tensions rise, the child should be entrusted with the care of a psychologist and the court should try to further limit the boy's contacts with his father. Regards. B.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Barbara Śreniowska-SzafranEducator with many years of experience.
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