My relationship hadn't been going well for 10 years or so. I wanted to leave, I talked about it with my husband, but it made me feel guilty that I was selfish, that I didn't care about the relationship. I had some financial troubles (dishonest business partner), I partially hid it from my husband, because any information about the smallest problems caused such a reaction - my husband said that he did not want to live, that everything was pointless, he sighed heavily and did not speak the whole thing weeks. I worked for several years in two jobs to pay off debts, I was physically and mentally tired. At that time, my close friend with whom we have known for several years was with me. He supported me, cheered me up. After another quarrel with her husband, there was a betrayal. My husband found out about it, first he made a fuss, called my family, talking about what I had done. I feel guilty, I feel mean, faithfulness has always been very important to me. Nevertheless, I feel that I want to leave, that I don't have the strength to stay in my relationship any longer. However, I do not have the strength or the courage to do so. Every mention of leaving ends with my husband's illness - heartache, high blood pressure, fever. My family calls me and says that if I leave him he will kill himself. The husband works, but has no friends, has never been outgoing. I am afraid for him, I know that it is difficult for him, he wants me to stay and calls me the worst. I try to understand these emotions, I have a great sense of guilt, for several months I have been doing whatever he wants. I do not meet anyone, I give him the phone to see, I do not answer calls, I do not send text messages. Meanwhile, he still sits there all day long with a painful expression on his face. I'm starting to fall into some insanity. I have headaches, chest pains, stomachaches, heart palpitations. Today I had a tachycardia attack because on my way back from work I was standing at the crossing and I was scared that it was taking too long and I would be home too late. I know that if I stay with my husband, it is only because of my guilt which prevents me from living, sleeping and acting normally. If I leave and something happens to him, how will I live then? I wanted to go with my husband to a psychologist, but he says that it doesn't make sense to him, because no one will change his feelings. Please help, what should I do?
I can't decide for you whether to stay with my husband or leave him, because it isunprofessional. However, I understand that you are in a very difficult situation. What is certain is that no one can emotionally blackmail us with, for example, taking his own life. This is blackmail and you have to call it a spade. And no one can force us to love him if we don't feel it. It's hard to live with someone you don't love and at the same time be in a relationship with them because of your fear.
I think thatyou need a conversation with a good psychologist , who will allow you to see your situation from the side, distance. It would be good if imy husband went to a psychologist, because in my opinion he is in a very depressed mood . However, I know that no one can be forced into therapy. If your husband does not want to, at least you should help yourself. In my opinion, you both need the help of a psychotherapist to be able to make the right decisions. Please remember that haste is the worst counselor and divorce is the easiest way to resolve a conflict. Sometimes you have to fix yourself in order to be able to go in the right direction. Please think about the psychologist and take care of yourself so that you do not regret taking further steps.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Ewa GuzowskaEwa Guzowska - educator, addiction therapist, lecturer at GWSH in Gdańsk. A graduate of the Pedagogical Academy in Krakow (social and care pedagogy) and postgraduate studies in therapy and diagnosis of children and adolescents with developmental disorders. She worked as a school educator and addiction therapist in a drug addiction center. He conducts numerous trainings in the field of interpersonal communication.
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