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The number of problems begins to overwhelm us as parents. We give our only son a lot of love and devote every free moment to him. He is very talented, has an amazing memory and various interests that we help deepen him. The problem is that it is impossible to talk to our child about topics such as his bad behavior - he reacts to everything with terrible crying. He doesn't think about what he is saying. This has led to him now lying notoriously, even when it comes to very trivial things. We punished him for lying, e.g. forbidden to watch TV or use a computer. Teachings that are a consequence of lying or behavior also do not bring tangible benefits, they always end up with hysterical tears. In addition, there is also disobedience and distraction - he performs all tasks very quickly, carelessly, he will never check the advice we give, he approaches arrogantly. He has always had a difficult nature, but at the moment we are upset as parents. We no longer know what is true and how to talk and explain so that he understands his behavior. His vivid imagination and stubbornness in his time terrify us. We are both teachers and we tried to bring up our child in such a way as to avoid the following types of behavior: the behavior of an only child, who is spoiled, etc. In our house there is discipline, the son is not selfish, he has friends, he is liked by teachers, he is a great organizer. We don't know what the problem is? How to proceed? Is an appointment with a specialist necessary? Maybe this is a matter not so serious psychologically that we will be able to work on it ourselves.
Hello, Sonia! The old truth is confirmed that the most difficult thing is to raise your own child. I don't think there is a need for a psychological consultation. The boy is normal and two thinking educators should be enough here. Let me say it: I see a contradiction in your account. Discipline and disobedience? Then this discipline is completely ineffective. You have made some fundamental art error. What does it mean that you cannot talk to your child about unpleasant matters? Perhaps the manner of conversation is unacceptable to him? Your son hates criticism. But who likes her? Dissatisfaction with the child's behavior can be shown in various ways - from a quarrel toa reprimand, a short comment like: "ugly!", "scandal!" to gently saying "maybe wrong, think about it" or "why not like this and so?" Perhaps you have not adapted your reaction to the child's psyche. I suppose the lies came from fear of your reaction. The son is perceived very well on the outside, which does not mean that he is not experiencing any tensions - on the contrary, he tries to maintain his good image, which always takes a little nerve. He relieves tensions at home. Criticism is met only at home and these are the unpleasant moments that fill the cup of tensions. That's when crying comes. This, in short, is supposed to be the psychological mechanism. What to do with all of this? Try to reform our relationship. I would give up direct pen alties, which are ineffective anyway. Perhaps, for your child, disapproval is sufficient punishment. Consider whether you are exerting excessive control over your son. An 11-year-old should be responsible for his / her own education, family and home responsibilities, and the choice of leisure activities. Parents only help if necessary. I suggest explaining to my son that he is no longer a small child, he has the right to make his own decisions and instead of doing something on his own and then lying, it makes much more sense to agree some things with his parents in advance. Make him aware that petty lies and arrogance do not make him an adult. Try to make your son feel less in control. Don't comment on every little thing. Establish in general that it would be good for him to be less shabby and more careful. I believe that a sane child, when he knows his faults, tries to work on them somehow. The pace of improvement varies, but that's no reason to poison your life with it every day. It is much more effective to notice and praise small progress. Your only child begins to grow up, experimenting life on his own, letting the world know that he is an autonomous individual, and not just the son of his parents. You have to come to terms with it. Have adult conversations, do not disapprove of your own initiative, support his ideas. Otherwise, the boy will rebel more and more, move away from you and escape from parental influences. Only good, cordial, partner-like relationships can ensure that you do not lose actual control over your child. Good luck. B.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Barbara Śreniowska-SzafranEducator with many years of experience.
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