Mika Urbaniak: singer, jazz lover. A Pole from melancholy, and an American from optimism. Daughter of Urszula Dudziak and Michał Urbaniak. He doesn't like artificiality. She has a positive attitude towards life, despite the fact that she has been struggling with bipolar disorder (BD) for many years. In an interview for Poradnik Zdrowie, she told about her long struggle with manic-depressive psychosis and how important it is to support her relatives!
Anna Tłustochowicz: Does music heal? Does it relieve pain?
Mika Urbaniak:Definitely heals. Music accompanied and still accompanies me at various times in my life. Thanks to herI can express various emotions- both positive and negative, i.e. anger and bitterness. Sometimes I get melancholy, so I use music to express to the world what is inside me.
Music is a collection of emotions and sometimes it is easier to sing something than to say it.
While singing, I can focus on what I want to convey through the text. This metaphorical, non-literal form of understanding with another person is very close to me.Music is my communication with the world- it's easier to say something between the lines in a song than in person.
There's a lot you can read between the lines, right?
It's worth talking about difficult things in a literal way. Each of us can interpret differently what is hidden between the lines. After all, one word has several meanings.
Talking about diseases is not easy and you are not afraid of this topic. You suffer from bipolar disorder that was once called manic-depressive psychosis. When did you realize that your sadness was something more than that?
Let me start by saying that I don't like the statement "I have an illness" because it puts both myself and other patients in a victim position. Disease is in a way something beyond our control to some extent. Nevertheless, thanks to her, you can find strength and positive energy to fight.
I agree with you that this statement has a pejorative meaning.
When I was 19, I felt that something was wrong with me. What does it mean? It was an important moment in my life because I had to decide what I wanted to study.I was lost in it because I didn't know what path to take in my life and I was isolating myself from people.
I remember having one thought on my mind back then: "I wish I could have a bottle of vodka in my pocket so that I could drink all day long and thanks to that I could drown my fears".
I got into college but had to quit my studies because of my fear of human contact. "I did it spontaneously without thinking about it at all.
You were paralyzed by the presence of people.
I felt the so-calledsocial anxiety , means anxiety related to social situations and also shame. It was very difficult for me to spend time with people.
What happened next?
This was my beginning with depression.I was in a dark room, I was unable to get out of bed and I was having suicidal thoughts.I was running away from life in general and from what surrounds me.
So this powerlessness swallowed you completely?
Definitely yes. Instead of going for treatment, I started my adventure with stimulants. My escape was alcohol, which I needed to deal with difficult emotions, so that I could function somehow… so that I wouldnot feel embarrassed, different or strange.Alcohol encouraged me, drowning out various emotions. Unfortunately, for a few years I looked into the glass … then I ended up in rehab and started to be treated pharmacologically. It didn't take long, however. I gave up therapy and tried to deal with the disease on my own, i.e. without the help of a doctor and without medications.
Where did you look for help?
In the most difficult moments, I received great support from my family. I also started looking for help from therapists, but there was no effect. I was lethargic - my mother, with whom I was living at the time, shook me out of him.
One day she gave me an ultimatum "either you go to rehab or you have to move out".
I didn't rebel, I just decided to start treatment. Together with my mother, we looked for help from various specialists, even from alternative medicine.Due to the fact that I did not undergo pharmacotherapy, I could not fully engage in the therapy.This treatment, or rather not treatment, lasted a long time. In 2011, I met my current partner, Victor, who also set a condition for me: "either you go to the hospital or you're done with us". I decided to give myself a chance again.
It was a shock after all?
I believe mom and partner Victor saved my life. Thanks to them I am where I am!If both had not setmy condition, I would not be forced to finally put treatment in the first place.Again I entered the harsh and difficult path of treatment and the path to finding the inner balance between life and disease. During this time, I changed psychiatrists three times.
As the saying goes, "art up to three times".
But I found the right doctor with whom I felt safe and most of all I could trust him.
The ultimatum must have been a huge shock for you?
Yes, I realized the way I lived was unacceptable and I had to do something about it.
Thanks to this condition, I was able to face my illness again, from which I was running away all the time. So accept the diagnosis and do everything to make my life as good as possible despite this disease.
So how to open up to a doctor and establish a patient-doctor relationship with him? How to start confiding about what hurts us, overwhelms us, saddens us, takes away the joy of life? Because it is a difficult task.
Positive attitude is very important.No matter what happens in the most difficult moments of the disease, it is worth looking for this light in the tunnel and for small things and moments that evoke joy. It helped me in my recovery tremendously, and it still helps. How to open up to a doctor? The point is that most often people struggling with various mental disorders and diseases feel very lonely and feel that no one understands them. Thereforethe help of a doctor is indispensable.A doctor is there to guide the patient, to find courage, to give life a new shape and to encourage him to think positively. He also has empathy and understanding. It is worth remembering that a doctor is a person who is there to help and support - thanks to this, we do not feel lonely in the fight against the disease.
A good doctor is essential.
When I was depressed, the doctor played a key role. Before that, I had been to the Nowowiejski Hospital several times and it was he who encouraged me to come back there again. I listened to it and I do not regret it because it has changed my life in a very positive way.
Are bipolar disorders associated with severe fluctuations in mood and energy that interfere with your personal and family life? How to live with mania and depression? What is life in two poles? Does peace come between the phases of mania and depression?
Each patient reacts to the disease in a completely different way. In my case, it was very different.
I was hit by depression for several months, and thenup to 3 months there were states ranging from hypomania to mania.
What was it like?
In depressive states, I had a depressed mood and dark thoughts. I didn't have the strength to do anything.In the case of mania or hypomania, I was filled with energy- I slept little, my head was full of ideas and I felt almost unbreakable. Only in the long run it was impossible. When phases (especially mood swings) hit me, it was hard for me to stick to my plans and achieve my goals. I have de alt with my illness or my illness has taken care of me for many years and because of this it was difficult to get out of the phase and confront life.The alternating phases introduce the ubiquitous chaos- a mess that is not easy to grasp. Over time, I have learned to recognize the symptoms … Now I am in balance, although I still have depressive states at times. I haven't had the state of mania or hypomania for 2 years, thanks to which my life has also become so normal.
A diary is a kind of therapy for you that encourages confession. You write down your questions in it, and after some time you get answers to them. What else gives you strength to fight the disease?
I actually wrote and prayed to the angels, begging them for help. But what gives me strength is the commitment, support and devotion she receives from mum and partner. There were moments when no one was by my side - my relatives also have their professional obligations and various activities - so I had to make friends with loneliness somehow.My spirituality and writing a diary helped me . I kept a diary since I was a child, which gave me the feeling that I was not alone and that I could be listened to.
In other words, a diary is also a kind of catharsis.
Yes, and the ability to look for answers to various questions.
First I will refer to your words "when we get to know the right person, he or she heals our dysfunctions and fears". So it follows that the love and support of relatives are extremely important in the fight against the disease?
Love and support are extremely important.
In the fight against the disease, I received comprehensive help from my relatives. For me, they were the motivation to continue the treatment.
The stay in the hospital turned out to be the beginning of a new road - I made friendships there that have lasted until now. I know from my experience that it is worth creating the so-called a support network, i.e. a group of people who will be supportive in this disease.
So what is the support of your loved ones? What they do so that you can feel like they are notare we lonely in this fight?
The fact that they accepted me as I am.I got permission from my relatives to be myself in states of depression (depression) and excessive activity (mania) . When the depressive states lasted several months, my partner and mother shared their care for me before I found the right drugs to control the disease. They both provided me with great support and strengthened my willingness to fight the disease.
Is this a ray of hope?
Oh yeah!
Was your family ill together with you? Your mother, an outstanding jazz singer, said in one of the interviews that "you went through hell and only when you de alt with your alcohol addiction, something changed and you found help". Your mother is very proud that you have overcome this disease.
Living with someone who is struggling with bipolar disorder is difficult - at times when this balance is out of balance, the phases of depression and mania are unregulated, and there is no adequate treatment.
When I was in mania, I had so much energy in me, I did so much at once that I was finishing off my loved ones with this activity. I made them extremely tired. They have certainly been on the verge of patience more than once.
Did they also have moments of doubt?
My mom had moments of doubt but she never gave up. We took short breaks with my partner so that he could recover. He was ill with me - he was exhausted, he also fell into depression because of my illness. More than once it was very, very hard for us!
Together with your mother and partner you create a unique trio. You can see that you receive great support from them and it is beautiful.
Thank you!
Those unfamiliar with the disease and hearing a diagnosis of "bipolar disorder" may get scared by it. Can the recipe be going to psychotherapy together with the closest person?
Yes, this is a very good solution. I definitely recommend it!The more people involved in treatment, the more likely the patient is to regain their balance.I was also afraid and denied the disease, telling myself that "I just have this character". In addition, I did not undergo pharmacotherapy for years. However, this fear of my diagnosis passed.
What would you advise the relatives of someone with bipolar disorder? How to help her so as not to alienate her?
It is very important to contact your doctor. I encourage you to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis.
It is also worthwhile for the relatives of the sick person to maintain a good relationship with the doctor - so thatin an emergency, they could call him and ask for help. We had a strategy that worked for me.
As if you could evaluate your progress, that is, how was it in the past, and here and now? How are you now?
I feel the difference. Most of all, I have achieved a balance - sometimes I get depressed, but they are much lighter than ever.I function normally and build a great relationship with my partner.My interpersonal relationships have improved, and the bond with my mother has also strengthened. Now I am able to plan things that I had never had a head for before. I set goals for myself and implement them. I know myself enough to deal with the coming states. I already know how to react in such situations. I go to therapy and I am in contact with my doctor. It's a hundred times better than it was, and it's been really tough. Now I am also in the process of writing a book about my life and my illness with the support of Magdalena Adaszewska. Maybe soon it will be available for sale under the Znak Literanova publishing house.
The lady is a great example that it is worth fighting for yourself!
It is worth fighting for a wonderful, cool and organized life.
Now I am in remission, so I no longer have symptoms. I live like a normal person.
We can summarize our conversation in the following words: diagnosis is not a sentence, and you can live with the disease normally? Anything else you would like to say to our readers about bipolar disorder?
I like that sentence very much. It sounds nice! I wouldn't think of anything better.
Thank you for the interview!
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