Sometimes it may seem that your fate is not in your favor, your organized life crumbles like a house of cards and changes occur that you do not want at all. Remember that change almost always opens up a new space for us. It can become a source of energy, happiness and life satisfaction. Even when her starting point is a painful lesson.
The Greek philosopher Heraclitus said centuries ago: "everything passes exceptchange ". The ancient thinker saw change as one of the elementary laws governing all nature, the driving force behind alllife . He claimed that without it, there is nodevelopment . Major and minor changes are constantly happening in your life too - sometimes almost imperceptibly. Some are on your initiative, others fall on you unexpectedly and destroy the established order. You don't always want them. Sometimes change is associated with a deep crisis. However, even these unwanted changes can be used to your advantage. How often do you believe that fate is not in your favor? Everything has turned against you, life is not fair. You are hurt, you fall victim to unfavorable circumstances: a bad boss, an irresponsible partner, disobedient children. And there's nothing you can do about it… Are you sure? Consider. You can't fix the world, but you can change a lot. Start with yourself.
Dare to change
Janka Dąbrowska is 42 years old. She is divorced and lives with her adolescent daughter. - For several years I was convinced that I had no influence on what was happening to me - he says. - My husband drank, he mentally abused me and the child, and I couldn't do anything. So it seemed to me then. I was in a situation that was devastating me, but it never occurred to me that I could stop it. And yet slowly my consciousness changed. I read a lot - books about codependency among them - and I grew emotionally mature. Gradually, the thought of parting began to sprout in me. I nurtured her in me. I dreamed of my own, peaceful and safe home. Until one day I really walked away. I packed my clothes, put a few knick-knacks in my bag, took my daughter and just left. I was free! She rented an apartment and started a new life. It was not easy. The first year was actually a torment. She felt shattered, she couldn't cope with loneliness, she was barely enoughmoney for fees. In addition, her ex-husband was not giving her peace. Still, when I looked back and remembered what I'd been through, I felt inexpressible relief that it was behind me, that no one could hurt me anymore. I was gritting my teeth and walking forward - he recalls. After a year, Janka divorced. Later, she took a loan and bought an apartment. She started decorating her new home. She changed her job and enrolled in her dream studies. In three years her life changed dramatically. Today, even the colors that surround you are different than before.
ImportantIt happens that a person cannot cope with his sadness, he is stuck in the grief stage for too long. Then it is worth using the help of an experienced psychologist. Sometimes one or two meetings are enough (there are crisis intervention centers offering such support all over the country). The therapist allows you to keep a distance. It is like a mirror that shows us our lives in a completely new perspective. A friend can play a similar role.
The most important thing is not to choke your emotions, not to be afraid to show them. You have to look for people who can be authentic support for us, because talking about what hurts is essential. But it has to be someone who says, "Stop, look at yourself!", Not someone who will just follow us. And when we come out of the crisis, it's good to follow the small steps rule. Do not set the bar too high for yourself, do not change the whole world at once. Remember to enjoy your small successes, because you don't jump to the top of the ladder in one leap!
Why are we afraid of changes?
Realizing that you are not a slave to reality is the first step to change. But the extent to which you change this reality depends on your courage, determination, and your ability to deal with stress. The fear of losing security is what most often stops us from making a positive change. Even if the situation we're in is not comfortable, the fear of the unknown can be strong enough to keep us from acting. A sense of security is one of the basic human needs (right after physiological needs). That is why we are so afraid of losing them when we are not sure what the consequences of entering a new situation will be. - The fear of change is not objective, but subjective - explains the psychologist Mirosława Kownacka, a trainer conducting training in the field of psychosocial skills. - The same situation can be perceived completely differently by different people, because things are as we give them meaning, as we see them. If someone assesses the proposal to change jobs as a threat, then stress appears. We imagine something that is not there, but emotions,which we then launch are real. Nothing has happened yet and we are already scared. Not only that - our self-esteem decreases, self-esteem decreases. "It's not for me, I can't make it, I have too little experience," says an internal critic. Emotions affect our thoughts and paralyze our actions, and the immediate environment often confirms us in the belief that it is better not to risk it. Of course, there are people who are more resistant and need more stimulation. These people may view new situations as positive challenges rather than threats. But this approach can also be trained. How to lower the level of fear of the unknown? First of all, try to replace the internal monologue: "I will not succeed, I will not be able to cope, I am too poorly qualified, I am too old for this" into a dialogue. - You have to look at your own person from the side and apply a kind of provocation - says the psychologist. For example, your internal dialogue may be like this: “Will I be all right? Who says that? Why should it fail ?! And even if so, so what? At best, I will get a new experience! ”. Try to think logically, discuss with yourself. Don't rely on beliefs and negative emotions. Searching for information is also an important stress coping strategy. Do not be guided by the opinion of others, do not trust stereotypes. Find out, read, check for yourself. The more knowledge you have on a given topic, the less fear and the greater the choice.
Positive change is a source of joy
- The change is when something is happening differently than before. Departure from patterns, different thinking is the first step on this path! - believes Mirosław Kownacka. It is also necessary to precisely formulate goals and set priorities. If you know what's important to you, what you really want, you'll get there easier. However, the condition for success is a positive attitude and willingness to learn new things, the attitude: "I'll try, see what will come out of it, and maybe I'll like it". - Even if the change turns out to be wrong, we can interpret it as a plus - claims Mirosława Kownacka. - The conclusion: “it's not for me” is also a positive experience. Therefore, any change, even the one that we perceive as unsuccessful, can be a development, as long as we are able to draw conclusions from it for the future. This is what we call "learning from your mistakes". Of course, it is better to have as few painful lessons as possible. Therefore, do not underestimate your abilities. And in order to recognize them properly, you need a sober assessment of the situation (based on knowledge and not on the opinion of others). The decision to change must be in line with your inner conviction.If you feel that you are doing something against yourself, better let it go, because the price may be too high. People are different. Some people jump into deep water without fear, others choose the tactic of small steps. But they take up the challenges of life. Because positive change is a source of joy and a powerful reinforcement. It gives you wings, opens up new perspectives, brings ideas for professional and personal development, new interests and passions. It is as if in a dark room someone turns on new lights or opens unknown doors.
You must do it
When you do not want to change
There are times when you don't want her at all. Life brings change. Your partner leaves, your boss fires you, and your adult child leaves the house. How to deal with the change associated with the life crisis? How do you turn it to your advantage? - The way to survive in such a situation is to survive all stages of what we call the cycle of regret - explains Mirosława Kownacka. - It usually takes about a year. The first reaction to the crisis is disbelief and denial of the facts: “it couldn't happen to me!”. Then it comesthe stage of rebellion and anger mixed with regret. We look for the guilty parties, we also feel angry with ourselves, our self-esteem drops. In the third phase, sadness occurs. This is the stage of regret after losing something or someone. It is accompanied by a feeling of great harm. It is important not to stay in this state for too long, because then there is no question of any development. But you must not run away from it or rush it by force. We must give ourselves the right to experience sadness. Only when this happens can we reach the fourth phase - acceptance and reconciliation with reality. This is the moment when we raise our heads and start looking around the world. Some people can then use their experiences and be reborn to a new life, and even make many changes in it, do something extraordinary.
What makes us stronger - allows us to implement changes
- noticing various causes of events
- small steps strategy
- recalling positive experiences, drawing strength from the fact that I can already do certain things, that I can do it
- search for emergency exit
- expanding your own field of influence (learning to make choices)
- flexible phrases: "I want, I choose, I decide, I can …"
- energy, strength, self-satisfaction
What makes us weak - prevents us from introducing positive changes
- generalization: "I never succeed", "it always happens", "everyone …"
- excessive demands on oneself and the world (all or nothing)
- negative search
- seeing the situation as a catastrophe ("if it fails, then …")
- following the opinion of others (my opinion does not count)
- rigid formulas: "I have to, I should, I have to …"
- talking to yourself negatively
- helplessness, powerlessness, lack of faith, uncertainty