Lie - we usually repeat it several dozen times a day. Why are we lying? Usually to make an impression when we can't say no, sometimes out of fear. Lying is sometimes a tool of manipulation, but there are also situations where concealing the truth seems better for the recipient and more "humane". Is every lie harmless?

Contents:

  1. Why are we lying?
  2. Does a lie have short legs?
  3. Is a lie better than the truth?
  4. When do we start lying?
  5. How do I know when someone is lying?

The lieis our daily bread.

- But mom cooks delicious! - said Piotr during Sunday lunch at his mother-in-law. And although he hates her cuisine, especially horseradish sauce, he praised Mrs. Bola for her culinary talent and added that it was his favorite dish. The old lady beamed and offered some more. - No, I'm already cracking, maybe she'll stay for tomorrow's dinner? the man lied again. But the mother-in-law interpreted it as modesty, and lavishly, from the heart, poured the sauce over his potatoes. - Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you - the son-in-law lied for the fourth time in a few minutes.

- Are such little lies a bad thing? - asks Piotr. - After all, my mother was happy to hear the compliments. Thanks to this, we have good relations. And my wife is grateful to me for these insincere compliments, because I have put everyone in a good mood. My littleliesturned out to be not only harmless but even blessed.

- We lie to achieve some goals - explains psychologist Bartłomiej Stolarczyk, incl. ethical influence trainer. - And in this situation each person achieved it: mother, her daughter and son-in-law. Unfortunately, when the mother-in-law finds out that the son-in-law has in fact cheated her for years, she will be furious and the present love will turn into hate.

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Why are we lying?

We lie because we cannot be assertive. For example, Kasia calls and says that she is coming to visit us right away. We don't like her very much and we don't want this meeting. But we don't say "I don't want to see you", we saywhile waiting, we come up with a fairy tale about the visit of my uncle from Toruń. Why?

- Most of us are afraid to say no, because we think that by saying "no" we lose friendship, interest, good contacts and even money - explains Bartłomiej Stolarczyk. - Covering ourselves with a smalllielike a shield, we feel safe.

Those more sophisticated lie deliberately. They want to improve their image, pretend to be someone they are not. Lying serves them like a colorful plume to enhance their attractiveness or persuasiveness.

- The mechanism of lying is governed by two types of emotions: fear of loss and desire to profit. They occur simultaneously and regardless of whether it concerns a professional situation, friendships or love relationships - says Bartłomiej Stolarczyk.

In the company, we pretend to be avid jazz and opera lovers, tasters of expensive wines, and salon-goers to introduce ourselves in a better light, gain the recognition of the company (profit) and not to lose something important to us (fear). Exactly the same happens during the interview. We lie when talking about our qualifications to make a better impression (profit) and increase the chance of success in finding a job (fear of failure). But it only works in the short term. Because as the old Polish proverb says - "a lie has short legs".

Worth knowing

Perception of a lie, then and now

In ancient times, lies were not judged from a moral point of view. Rather, they were treated as a way of coping with life. Sophocles stood up for him, saying that he could not be despised if he could save someone.

Augustine Aurelius, a scientist living at the turn of the 4th and 5th centuries, had a different opinion. He believed that lying distances us from God and is inherently evil.

During World War I, false information in the press and radio became a way to mislead the opponent. Stefan Dietzsch, a contemporary German philosopher, believes that lying today is a sign of social intelligence. Without it, it would be difficult for us to function.

Does a lie have short legs?

It's inevitable - the lies are just a tool. And like any tool - sometimes they work, but more often they fail. Especially that one lie forces us to another, third … And then it is easy to get lost in them and be exposed.

- Human behavior resembles an avalanche - adds Bartłomiej Stolarczyk. - One effective lie makes us want to repeat it. If we have already covered ourselves with lies in some specific situations, there is a high probability that we will do so again. At the same time, moral evaluationit will confirm us in a sense of guilt that is unfavorable to us. Because although the line between a lie and the truth is often very subjective, each of us knows when we cross this thin red line.

Mitomania: causes and symptoms

Why do children lie?

Why is it worth telling the truth in a doctor's office?

Is a lie better than the truth?

Speaking untruths is only theoretically reprehensible. After all, there are situations where it seems better for the recipient to conceal the facts than to disclose them. Certainly, each of us has met a person who preferred to be cheated at least once.

A bedridden person will be eager to hear from relatives about the chances of recovery, because it introduces, at least temporarily, a good atmosphere. When our lies help him and he wants to listen to them, he needs them. But there are more complicated situations.

For example a cheated wife does not allow thoughts of her husband's infidelity and takes at face value his cloudy stories about overtime work. When the truth is more painful than a lie, hardly anyone has the courage to confess it.

Sometimes we also keep silence because we don't know how to express the bad news. Besides, we are afraid that the negative emotions caused by bitter truth will forever be associated with us.

Meanwhile, not talking about problems does not solve them at all. Only open recognition of the facts allows us to take remedial action. So if we have a choice of difficult truth or "humanitarian" silence, it is worth considering what we would like to hear ourselves.

According to an expertMirosława Kownacka, psychologist

Lying is often used to maintain good interpersonal relationships. In our culture, polite conventions often forbid telling the truth, and that is why we so often play "polite games". Psychologists call thisa "white lie".

We lie for fear of offending someone. Or when we want to protect him from experiencing unpleasant experiences. The goal is honorable, so we are reluctant to call it a lie. We prefer to say: "I am doing something in good faith."

It is different with"black lie".Here we say untruth in order to achieve an important benefit for us, e.g. to spoil a good image of a person.

Remember that there are many shades of gray between white and black. Psychologists made one more division, distinguishedpassive and active lies.

Passive means telling the truth, but not quite. An example of such a lie is when we say to the person who calls us: "I cannot talk to you now because I am going to an importantmeeting ". In reality, however, it is about, for example, a visit to the hairdresser. This way we want to prevent an interpretation that could have a negative impact on our relationship (for example, so that the caller would not think that the hairdresser is more important than talking to her).

Active lying involves the preparation of false information. If we wanted to actively lie, we would rather say: "I can't talk right now, I'm just starting a meeting with an important client."

Research shows that the most common causes of lying are anxiety and decreased self-esteem. We create a fiction about ourselves in order to raise our rank and authority. Man has a strong need for acceptance from other people, he also wants to avoid fear. Lying is a way of dealing with it.

When do we start lying?

It's interesting that all liars - both sophisticated and ignorant - encourage their children to be truthful.

- We realize that truthfulness is a high moral value - explains the psychologist. - But we cannot prevent our children from lying in adulthood. When little Marysia grows up, she begins to notice that there are gains and losses in life. He has to deal with a specific situation, he has a choice: either he will lie and gain a lot, or he will tell the truth and lose something.

Bartłomiej Stolarczyk advises that when bringing up children, do not evaluate lies into smaller and larger lies, but pay attention to the impracticality of this tool. And instead of scolding the child - which only provokes more creativity and more sophisticated deceptions - it should be taught to look for alternative solutions, without the need to resort to intrigue. This way, your child will know how to deal with anxiety.

- Because only when we are strong, assertive and know our worth - we can control our fear and avoid escaping into a lie - says the psychologist.

You must do it

How do I know when someone is lying?

After the eyes. If you are dealing with a right-handed person, when he is telling the truth, his eyeballs are pointing to your right, if he is lying - to the left. Left-handed inversely.

To be sure, ask a question that is sure to hear the truth and look where your gaze goes. If, on the next question, your eyes wander the other way, your interlocutor is not telling you the truth.

People who look at the floor are commonly perceived as liars. And most often it is a sign of, for example, oversensitivity or shyness.

Lie is a manipulation tool?

There is a whole host of people who are addicted to cheating. Real "masters" build entire systems of smaller and largerlies in your and someone else's life. They want to raise their rank and self-esteem. This is how egoists who do not dare to look at their own lives with a sober eye pursue their goals. But can a person do without lying?

- Living in absolute truth would be life without fear - Bartłomiej Stolarczyk replies. - It's beautiful, but unfortunately utopian … Let's accept the fact that none of us is free from small lies, or at least "coloring the facts". And if it doesn't hurt others, it shouldn't be judged. But remember that the recipient of our messages always decides whether a lie is harmful.

Worth knowing

Dire consequences of self-deception

Just as we cleverly lie to everyone around us, we also often treat ourselves. For fear of admitting our mistakes or guilt, we use various psychological tricks: denial, projection. This is a very dangerous mechanism that can have drastic consequences.

By creating a fictional world around us, we only seemingly control the reality that surrounds us. But one small slip, accidental exposure of the truth, can destroy this psychological "house of cards" and you will have to face the consequences of self-deception. In addition to the damage that our own image will then experience, we can pay for it with bad mood and even depression.

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Category:

Psychology