Some say: friendship between a woman and a man is impossible, because where there is a gender difference, its influence is too strong for there to be sympathy without overtones. Others say: why not! You can be friends with anyone, regardless of gender.

Is the stereotype thata friendship between a man and a womanout of the question? Fortunately not.

When we ask a young child if boys and girls can be friends, he will answer: sure! The little ones are friends, they are happy to play with each other and the differencegenderdoes not impress them. But when we are about 8, we start to move to hostile camps - for the next few years, no one will force a boy to play with a girl, and vice versa. Even between siblings at this age there are misunderstandings. And then fate plays a trick on us again: in adolescence, the opposite sex begins to become attractive to us; it attracts, excites and intrigues. From now on, the gender difference will always arouse tension, excitement and interest in us beyond friendship. Does this also affectfriendship ?

Relationship between a man and a woman: it's just a friendship

According to statistics, most women believe that deep, platonic intimacy can connect a man and a woman the most. Men are more skeptical. Why? Probably because men, as generally more interested in sex, think about it more often and at least more often imagine what it would be like … Meanwhile, statistically for women, sex does not play such a role in life. Hence, it is easier for them to stop in a relationship with a man on a purely platonic level. For even in friendship, when two genders are involved, there is an erotic overtone. For example, when two women are friends, they are not ashamed of their nakedness. In a friendship that is mixed with nudity, we are no longer so casual. However, by managing the relationship, we keep eroticism under control.

In fact, whether we strive to bring friendship into the bedroom depends not so much on the attractiveness of the partner ( although many men would take on a questioning expression here …), but on what we are looking for in life.

The most important question is: "what I want, what I need, what I really mean", and an honest answer - thinks MariaJurowska, psychologist and therapist. - Because if we openly, from the bottom of our heart and with complete honesty, we can say: "in this relationship I only look for friendship", then we will have no problem for our relationship to remain exclusively platonic.

It happens, however, that although we declare "it's just friendship", we really want something else. Sometimes we do not admit to ourselves that we are after something more. And sometimes we don't even realize it. Whether or not attachment ends in bed depends on these real, also hidden intentions. If they are really only friendly, then even when one side starts sending messages with an erotic undertone, the other will have no problem recognizing "that's not what I mean." A proposal to change the layout, whether expressed in a word or a gesture, will not hit any "catch" on which it could "hook". But you have to remember that men and women have slightly different expectations of friendship.

  • Men need to be appreciated, praised, and successful. They also want to feel important and needed. They want to be respected and loyal - explains the psychologist.
  • Women look for softer elements: they need support, trust, closeness; that someone would be there for them, talk to them, listen to them .These are expectations similar to those we have in relation to a love relationship. Hence, not only a testosterone-driven man, but also a woman, can take friendship a bit more literally.
  • And when this happens, what to do? When one of the parties in a mixed friendship suggests that she would like to deepen the arrangement, include a new, erotic element in it? First of all, we should react to such a change and not pretend that nothing happened, because it will cast a shadow on our intimacy. If we care about friendship, we need to talk about it as openly as about other topics.
  • True friendship is based on honesty and trust. This will check the deal between us - the psychologist believes. - And it will either strengthen him or make it clear that the relationship was not pure, since the expectations of one of the parties exceed what the other wants to offer her. But it is natural, every account is verified by time. If one of the parties expects something more, sooner or later it will come out and you have to take that into account.

What if nothing comes up for many years of friendship? Great, it's also a kind of verification. Its result means: we are really friends. Thus, we can call ourselves lucky. Why? Because male-female friendship is a wonderful … testing ground.

  • According to Jenny Ziegenbalg, German scientist and sociologist, author of the book“Can men and women be friends?” Both sides benefit from this friendship. A woman feels supported and uses a male view of reality when she has to deal with various problems - and it is known that ladies tend to exaggerate problems, complicate things, and react too emotionally. The influence of a male friend perfectly tonifies the female reactions. On the other hand, men gain the opportunity to interact with the female gaze, which "softens" the world, and presents patterns of behavior other than competition or confrontation. They can learn about the emotions of the environment, thanks to which they understand their own better and undergo excellent empathy training.

Partner jealous of a friend

How to explain to a loved one that our friendship with another man does not threaten him in any way?

  • If we are in a relationship from which we derive a lot of satisfaction and which is symmetrical (the same commitment on both sides), a friendship with someone outside the relationship does not bother us at all - believes the psychologist. - In such a situation, everyone can rest easy. We have one type of bond with our partner, another type of bond with a friend, related to, for example, shared memories. In a good and complete relationship, none of the three interested parties has reasons to feel threatened.
  • If a partner is jealous of a friend, then you need to analyze whether the friend respects the boundaries of our relationship, whether he is trying to annex more of our time than he should, or whether we spend more time with him than with the partner. If so, your partner's jealousy is justified. When entering into a relationship, you have to reevaluate certain matters and devote a lot of time and energy to your partner. A friend has to come to terms with it. And it is best to be a friend of your partner, even if the relationship did not start with friendship, but with falling in love - the psychologist advises. - Then the relationship will be more durable and both parties happier.
  • Someone once said that it is better to enter into a relationship with someone with whom we have a great conversation, because in a few dozen years not sex, but understanding and conversation will form the basis of our relationship. This is very wise advice.
Important

Jealousy of a friend

A partner with low self-esteem and complexes will be jealous of his friend, even if nothing happens. But this has nothing to do with friendship, but with his fears: he would probably be jealous, for example, for frequent visits of his friend or the time spent walking the dog.

Male-male friendship or sweetheart?

Friends like each other very much and they like to spend time together. They know each other very well, they often understand each other without words. They often have common interests. They are helpful to each other indifferent situations, they can count on each other in good as well as in poverty. They go to parties, shopping, walks and to the theater together. All this makes the closeness deeper and… we start to think that sleeping in separate beds is a silly and unnecessary idea. Friendship turns into fascination - not only on the basis of "what a wise man he is", but also on the erotic level.

It happens that a relationship is changed from friendship to love - confirms Maria Jurowska. - Sometimes this moment can be overlooked, the change is so smooth. But that doesn't mean it's a bad idea. If there is a spark between friends and they are both free and they both want to deepen what they have in common, their relationship can grow stronger, become fuller, and turn into a truly successful relationship. After all, it is difficult to make a mistake and make claims such as "I was in love, I did not know what he really is". After many years of friendship, we know each other inside out; we know what to expect and we have no unrealistic expectations. We trust each other, we are good together. We tried this relationship in weather and inclement weather. On the foundation prepared by the friendship, you can build a perfect love relationship, in which the spiritual community will be crowned with eroticism, like a cake with a cherry.

People are afraid to switch from a partner relationship into love, because they are afraid to destroy what is - the psychologist explains. "Yes, they could destroy a friendship if the decision was made for false reasons." But if they are as honest with each other as they have been so far, the relationship bodes well for the future. What does it mean? These are ideas a bit straight from American romantic comedies: she, abandoned or betrayed by an unfaithful scoundrel, tears into the arms of her friend. He hugs her, comforts her, and they finally end up in bed. Of course, in the morning they wake up with a new level of awareness and certainty: "why did I shed tears yesterday, if this is the man of my life". But in life, when we treat sex with a friend as a double cognac for a pain in the soul, we wake up in the morning with a hangover, only moral. And we regret what happened.

When it turns out that the fascination was temporary and caused by the fact that we did not fulfill ourselves elsewhere, we can actually spoil a very nice friendship - warns the psychologist. - Therefore, before you go to bed with a long-time friend, you have to think seriously: "what do I mean" in order not to act on impulse.

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Category:

Psychology