Assertiveness is not an innate skill, but an acquired skill, so assertiveness can be trained. Knowing how to act to keep our own limits while not hurting others, combined with exercise and practice, will bear fruit in the form of taking care of yourself, calmly expressing your thoughts and feelings, and skillfully saying no.
To understand whatassertive behavior is , it's important to understand what aggressive and submissive behavior is. When we are aggressive, we are effective and self-confident, but we have no respect for the needs of others. We want to get attention or dominate someone. We shout, ignore, ridicule, interrupt our speech or do not listen to other people. We often say "you can never count on", "you have to help me", "you as usual". On the other hand, when we are submissive, we are willing to help, gentle and kind to the interlocutor, but we feel that we are giving up our rights, and therefore actually ourselves. We often act against ourselves, e.g. we lend our friend a dress once again, although she has already given us a damaged or unwashed one more than once. We then feel frustrated, powerless and guilty towards ourselves and the environment. When we give in, we often say: "unfortunately I can't, I'm sorry for that," "okay, I'll do it."
Why are women less assertive?
Women often have a problem with submissive behavior. Where is it coming from? To a large extent, because of the way we were brought up - we were supposed to be polite, helpful and kind, because girls supposed to be like that. Imbued with these stereotypes, as adults we are sometimes passive, insecure and dependent on others. When we hear around us that we are the weaker sex, more emotional and less logical, sometimes we don't even try to act differently. We do not undertake various initiatives because we assume failure in advance. As mothers and wives, we learn to be gentle, understanding, and patient. We also often help older parents, support children - these caring and educational activities are inscribed in gender roles. Even at work, when there is a conflict, we often try to yield. It is difficult for us to signal our needs because we have been taught to empathize and empathize with the problems of others. Often, submissive behavior is also the resultlow self-esteem, which is formed already in childhood in relations with parents and other people important to us (e.g. peers). When in childhood we did not receive enough support, warmth, love or acceptance, our beliefs about ourselves are in many cases negative, we think, for example, "I do not deserve that others respect me, I am not important, my needs are less important than other". Submissive behavior is easier then. Fortunately, as adults, we can strengthen our self-esteem by drawing strength from our achievements and successes, or by working with a psychologist or psychotherapist. This will make it easier for us to be assertive.
Ability to say no - what words to use?
It happens that we have to say no to our relatives - e.g. a brother who invites us to a plot, and we have a friend's name day at that time. How to refuse assertively? Example: mom asks us to come to her for lunch on Sunday, and we have a planned family trip to the cinema in advance. We don't apologize to her, we don't say "unfortunately I can't, I'm so sorry." Useful phrases are: "I will", "I decided", "I agreed", "I want", "I choose", "It is important to me". Assertive refusal is firm, direct and honest. There are three elements in it - the word "no", a statement of what we will not do and the justification for refusal: "I will not come to your lunch because I have planned to go to the cinema". It is important that we refer to our plans, and not to what mom says, that is, we do not say: "I will not come for dinner, because I was at your place for dinner a week ago". We also do not refer to external circumstances such as bad weather or the fact that it was my husband who persuaded me to go to the cinema. If we want to go to a movie, we say it honestly. Remember that we have the right to refuse and not to feel guilty, even if mum starts complaining that we visit her too rarely.
How to claim your rights at work?
Assertiveness in the workplace reduces the number of conflicts, prevents manipulation by others, reduces nervous tension and stress, facilitates communication with colleagues, thanks to which the working atmosphere improves and we can focus on our professional goals. Remember, however, that an assertive refusal does not apply to the boss's command. Example: we work in an office of a dozen or so people. For some time now, my friend has been asking for help with small things that are not part of our duties. We help her, but we get more and more angry with each other about it. This attitude is submissive and frustrating. We should take care of our own rights, but at the same time not hurt our friend in an aggressive manner. Talk to her calmly, but don't apologize or feel guilty. Shell wesay, “I won't help you today because these jobs aren't my job. Don't ask me for help anymore. I feel used. " Perhaps your friend will react negatively - she will be offended or feel unpleasant. We have no influence on her behavior and emotions and we shouldn't feel guilty if we assertively asserted our rights.
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