Negotiations and arrangements in everyday family life require even completely trivial matters. In fundamental matters, it is even more necessary to be able to reconcile different, sometimes contradictory interests. We negotiate every day to get our loved ones to do what we think is right. What negotiation strategies should be used to achieve the goal?

Negotiating with your partner, with your parents, and even with your own children, will put you in a slightly different position in each situation. As parents, we must negotiate without losing authority; as adult children, we should be able to convince people to be right, bearing in mind the parents' old age; when negotiating with a partner, it is important that the controversy does not harm our relationship. Adapting the strategy to the situation will make the negotiations more effective.

Relationship negotiation rules

Relationship negotiations are sometimes like tug of war - it seems that when one wins, the other has to lose. Example: when, after a longer maternity leave, she is just starting to start her career, he is offered an interesting and well-paid job abroad. He proposes that she quit her job and go with him. But she doesn't want to be a dependent housewife again, no matter how well he earns. They have a choice - to give up his chance or her career. They can also try to live separately for a while, so that each can work, risking that they will distance themselves from each other and the child will not know the father. When a similar conflict of interests arises, it is worth starting from the assumption that underlies the relationship: we love each other and we want to be together.

Realizing this priority makes partners want to constructively resolve the conflict, not to get their own way. Opponents do not become enemies and conflict does not turn into a devastating war.

This approach makes it easier to find a solution that will meet the needs of both partners without breaking the bond. In the example described, it can be examined, for example, whether she could work in her profession abroad or remotely for an employer in the country. Taking into account the needs of both parties is imperative as both have the same right to happiness and personal development. When one of them gives up something, it must feel that it will gain something in return; otherwise, sooner or later, she will begin to feel sorry for her partner,he will feel worse and worse in the relationship - and the crisis is ready.

Rules for negotiating with a parent

Although we are adults, we are still children in the eyes of our parents. They will always "know better", "for your own good" will advise. To put an end to parental overprotection, just say, “Mom, Dad, I'm an adult. You have already raised me and I am grateful to you for that. Now let me make my own decisions about my life. I can do it because you taught me to do it yourself. "

Such reference to the educational competences of parents should close the matter. However, there are sometimes more complicated situations, e.g. when you need help with taking care of your own children. How to avoid conflicts when grandma has her own views on the nutrition and upbringing of a grandson, and you - yours? It's best to start by listening to your parent's arguments and taking into account those arguments that strike you convinced.

You need to let the parent feel that you understand his approach, then it is easier to make the necessary corrections. When grandma wants to dress her grandson warmer for a walk, do not protest, but say: "I know that you will check that the child is not sweaty so that he does not heat up". The message is important: I understand that you want well and thank you for your concern. Such a "soft" style, respectful and referring to the caring and somewhat superior role of the elders of the state to which they are used to, brings much better results than categorical criticism. This is because this can be perceived by our parents as another version of youthful rebellion, which is best to ignore and do your own thing.

In case you definitely cannot agree to a parent's idea, refer to your own experience or the authority of the pediatrician. In a situation where you find yourself in the role of guardian of the older parent, the roles are reversed - sometimes you have to protect him as if he were your child. However, it must be remembered that although his efficiency is limited, he still needs autonomy and control over his life. Therefore, support his independence, do not do it when it is not necessary, let him decide about himself and respect his needs. Do not extinguish ideas that seem unreal to you, just ask how he imagines their implementation and say how you can help with it.

Important

7 rules for successful negotiation

If you adopt a too tough, tenacious position during the negotiations, you arouse resistance in opponents and can break the talks; on the other hand, soft tactics based on concessions will not bring you a satisfactory solution. The optimal way to negotiate, which allows you to get as close as possible to the goal so that neither side feels like a defeat, is a tacticbased on certain rules. Regardless of who and from what position you negotiate, it is worth sticking to them.

  • Create conditions for the conversation , try to make your interlocutor feel good with you. Make him feel that he can count on your understanding and that you are friendly and sympathetic. Concentrate on the interlocutor, put down the smartphone, do not look at the watch. Maintain easy eye contact and an open posture, and avoid crossing your arms.
  • Restrain your emotions.This is important especially in an open conflict situation. An upset person is unable to think rationally, he fights or runs away (e.g. he closes in on himself), and his discussion skills drop dramatically. If at the moment you feel that your or the interlocutor's emotions are taking over, suggest postponing the conversation.
  • Separate the matter from the person.Avoid verbal aggression, moralizing, lecturing, embarrassing, threats, emotional blackmail. Beware of generalizing criticism ("you always make me angry", "you're badly brought up"), stick to the facts, focus on the facts ("you did not come to the appointment yesterday").
  • Express your position clearly and openly , not in the form of a request and order, but in the language of feelings and needs. Be firm with your cause, be "soft" to the person. Not: "do as I tell you", but: "it would help me a lot if you …" or even: "how do you think it is possible for you to …". Justify your position: eg "I think we should put this money aside because I am worried that I may lose my job."
  • Be empathetic.Listen carefully, empathize with your interlocutor, but refrain from guessing what he is trying to say - don't interrupt or judge him. If you are not sure if you understood correctly, ask for an explanation - you can repeat the other person's statement in your own words, asking if he meant it.
  • Be flexible.Do not stiffen your position, present alternative solutions, give the opportunity to choose (without losing sight of your goal). Look for points of contact between you and the interlocutor, present the benefits that the solution you propose may bring.
  • Be assertive.This means that you give yourself the right to directly and firmly express your emotions, attitudes, opinions, needs and to set limits - while respecting feelings, attitudes, opinions, needs and boundaries of other people. By refusing, give others the right to refuse. Use the message "I" ("I'm sorry you missed your word", not "You never keep your word"), and you will defuse bad emotions and leavethe gate to the agreement.

Rules for negotiating with the child

Even a little toddler is a negotiating partner, take him seriously. This, of course, does not mean that you have to yield in everything - on the contrary, the child should have set limits and know the rules in order to feel safe. However, setting boundaries is not the same as giving orders.

Both a two-year-old toddler and a teenager will always test how far he can go by testing his parent's patience. This is a good opportunity to teach him that rules can be negotiated and that negotiation is not a trial of strength where one always wins and the other loses, but a way to reconcile conflicting interests. When you want to persuade a young child to do something, remember that at this age a natural need for independence and control arises. If he hears the simple command, "clean up the toys!", He will be tempted to resist. It is worth justifying the request, for example: “The guests will be coming soon and I want the table to be in order. Clean up the bricks! " You can leave the toddler a margin of freedom: suggest that if he starts cleaning immediately, you will help him, but if he begins to delay, it will extend the time for playing a little, but he will have to deal with the task on his own, because you will be busy with guests.

There is a chance that the little one will agree without hesitation, because he will feel needed and, moreover, he will be able to decide for himself when to start cleaning. However, if he does not do it - and it does not have to be an expression of bad will, the child may simply forget about the promise while playing - do not punish him and do not embarrass him in front of the guests. Say calmly, "Oh, not cleaned up yet?" I have a problem because I do not know where to put the plates and cake … What are we going to do now? " Your toddler, seeing the consequences of his neglect, will probably want to help you. If not, just say: I wish you could have helped me even though you promised. Hope you can handle it better next time.

In a teenager, the need for independence and self-determination is equally strong - it is all the more important to respect it. Arbitrary management will not bring you back, it will immediately arouse opposition. If, on the other hand, you settle certain matters together, there is a greater chance that the young person will stick to the agreements. By negotiating, for example, the time of your son's return home from a party, find out why he wants this and not another solution - maybe the boy wants to be home later because he is going to walk the girl away? Justify your position, say what you feel ("I am worried about your safety, only night buses run so late, and it is quite rare"). Give a choice ("if you want to come back later, take a taxi or callthen dad will pick you up in the car; you can come back later, but stay in touch and let me know when you leave, etc.)

Once you've made a deal, make sure you follow them, and you do as well - if you have promised to refund the taxi fare, keep your word. This way of building mutual trust can work well - you will be calmer, and the young person will see that sticking to the rules can gain more freedom. He will probably not always follow them - he has the right to make a mistake and try to break away. Then, instead of making a fuss, you have to be clear: “Yesterday you were very late and you didn't answer the phone. We were worried about you. I'm worried that you are not sticking to your arrangements because I wish I could trust you. I want you to follow the rules that we have developed together in the future. What do you think? - This last question is important because it does not close the conversation categorically ("it should be as I say"), because it keeps the conversation going and gives the possibility to renegotiate the arrangements.

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