Can love survive if partners are separated by hundreds of kilometers? How to save a long-distance relationship that is inevitably dominated by uncertainty, longing and loneliness? It is very difficult - it succeeds when the separation of partners is only temporary.

Every day we do not realize what kind of comfort it is for the psyche to be able to hug a loved one at any time, talk about everyday troubles, drinking tea together or having breakfast after a night together. Unfortunately, in the pursuit of a job or career, more and more people decide to leave the country. There are also more and more situations when partners met, for example, via the Internet, live in other cities and meet once a month. Usually, they then have an affection for their idea of ​​the other person because they don't really know much about them. In the long run, no two couples benefit from along distance relationshipbecause it goes against their natural need to be with someone they love. However, kilometers do not have to separate us, after all, the world has become a global village and there are many ways to communicate on a daily basis. So you can maintain the ties that bind us, you just need an additional commitment.

Golden rules for keeping a relationship at a distance

  • The decision to leave should be made jointly, together establish an action plan, rules for the functioning of the relationship and the way of communication.
  • It is worth giving your partner something that will remind him of us.
  • You have to contact each other as often as possible: phone calls, Skype, social networks (set fixed days and hours, a webcam will also be useful), SMS, letters. Let's talk about what is happening, but warmly, cheerfully, without reproach, let's recall memories, talk about dreams and how much we love, let's avoid jealousy scenes, let's show trust.
  • It is worth making an agreement that we do something identical, although separately (we read the same book, article, watch a movie), then talk about it.
  • Let's visit each other and then do as many things as possible together, celebrate time together.
  • Don't overwhelm your partner with things to do - a long-distance relationship requires greater independence in making decisions.
  • The basis is positive thinking, let's find advantagesthis situation (e.g. I have more time for my passions), let's not close ourselves in four walls, let's look for company, mutual friends.

Learn the stories of three different relationships whose heroes live remotely for various reasons. Each situation is analyzed by a psychologist who explains the mechanisms of action and suggests what to do to maintain the relationship.

Distance relationship - Anna: I left to earn a family

I live in London, permanently. I am a nurse, I have a good job for decent money. At first it was very difficult for me, I missed my family. Monika and Marek are teenagers, but at this age they also need a mother. I was worried if my husband and parents would be okay. Together, we made a decision about my departure, because it was the only chance to improve finances and raise qualifications. I thought that I would come back next year, and the experience I had gained would result in a raise and a promotion. I was sure that I would come home once every 2 weeks. In practice, it turned out that traveling to Poland is too expensive, and I am on duty at weekends. Internet and telephone remained. After a year I returned to Poland and everything was wrong - neither a raise, nor a promotion, and the money was melting away quickly. When it turned out that I and my family could move permanently to London, I did not hesitate for a minute. The children were also happy. The only problem was my husband. He was not convinced, although there is no permanent job in Poland. He said he didn't know the language or anyone else in place and that he was afraid. I put everything on one card - you are either going with me and the children, or you are left alone. I didn't expect him to stick to it. I left and he took offense. It was bad. Children need a father, and they are not satisfied with the holidays. I feel guilty. Did I make a mistake, can it be fixed? I don't want to go back to my country, but I still think about Piotr. Will we have a divorce?

Expert comment:Annie was definitely not easy. Changing the environment - country, culture, language, renunciation and separation are the mental costs that she had to bear. She expected something in return. It seems that she did not find support in her husband. Before leaving, it is worth agreeing together that he will visit her regularly, see how she lives there and get used to the new situation. Then it is easier to decide to move. Anna's putting the case on the knife's edge did not help Piotr, perhaps he felt pressed against the wall. Now everything must be done to prevent a divorce. If Annie cares about her husband, it makes sense for her to talk to him. Perhaps for this purpose she should come to Piotr. I recommend a consultation with a mediator.

Long distance relationship - Kasia: Husband in another cityis making a career

When there was an opportunity for great work, Marek left our town for Warsaw. My husband's career in a big city also tempted me. He has a company car, meets influential people, and the boss has promised to take it with him when he goes higher. It's hard for me alone with the children, because everything is on my mind. I work until 18, and here there are also shopping, cooking, washing, meetings. Marek does not call all week, because he is said to be working from morning to night. He arrives Friday night and is starting to catch up as head of the family. He places everyone in the corners, imposes pen alties, and I have to enforce them during the week. In the evening we argue because she thinks that any bad grade at school is my fault, because I bring up my children badly. And I am really trying. And so, after dinner, instead of longing for alone, I more and more often pull the quilt over my ears. Marek has changed a lot since he left. In the past, weekends were our family feast - a good dinner, going out together. At the beginning, we waited with the children for his arrivals as a reward. Now is different. We breathe a sigh of relief when it's time to say goodbye. I knew that when Marek left, it would not be easy for me, but I did not expect that this separation would cause us to move away from each other.

Expert comment:It is impossible to make up for family life in a few days. Closeness, support and community building escape. It is necessary to talk and work out a plan for the family together. Katarzyna should prepare for it. It would be good if they were alone this evening. In a calm atmosphere, she will be able to tell about her fears and expectations towards her husband. The spouses have a lot in common, so it's worth celebrating when they are together. Another step in the right direction is establishing a new, pleasant "duty" - each parent organizing activities for the whole family, such as a winter trip to the ice rink, sightseeing in Warsaw under the leadership of my dad. This will strengthen family ties. Perhaps the optimal solution would be to move to your husband?

Distance relationship - Marta: We know each other mainly via the Internet

I'm 29 years old. All my friends started families. I was looking for happiness on a Singles Portal and found it. First there were e-mails, phone calls, then long Skype calls. I remember when I was afraid of the first meeting. I knew what Tom looked like because the webcam allowed me to see his face, but what about the rest? Will he like me? Our love began with this first real date. Difficult, because we are 385 km away. We both work and cannot afford frequent trips. And it's not about money, because Tomek earns well, but about time. He said he had some business and he had tokeep an eye on. He avoided talking about work, but I didn't think about it at the time. Months passed, and the feeling grew stronger. However, loneliness and longing also grew. I was troubled by anxiety - had he met a girl? On my 35th birthday, Tomek invited me to his place in Gdańsk for the weekend. It was wonderful. Thought I could live with him. At the bank where I work, I found out that there will be no problem with the transfer, because we have a branch in Gdańsk. Imagine my surprise when my beloved became astonished at the news of this! He seemed to be happy, but immediately began to say something about his company that I should not like something there. I figured he either didn't love me or was hiding something. I decided to check it out. A few days later, I went to Gdańsk. I've been waiting in a taxi across the street since morning. He left, got into his car, and drove downtown. I follow him. He parked in front of the sex shop and stepped inside. A quarter of an hour passes, the second. After an hour, I decided to check it out. I've never been in a place like this! A young man is standing behind the counter. I ask about the man in the leather jacket who came in an hour ago. "Boss, some lady for you" - he replies and looks into the back … And it all became clear - this thriving business is a few sex shops. Tomek wanted to bring me to Gdańsk for a long time, but he didn't know how to tell me what he was doing. In my town, the sex shop is still a taboo subject. I don't know what to do - I'm tired of waiting for emails, I want to wake up with him every morning.

Comment from a specialist:The story of Marta and Tomek shows how difficult it is to get to know someone well when we are separated by a distance. You can build a relationship, but it's harder to build a serious relationship based on trust. A partner who is close on a daily basis often unconsciously tells us about himself, his life. Sitting in the next room, we hear what he is talking about on the phone, we see his friends or co-workers in the city. Many aspects of functioning become obvious, they are immediately available to us. Now Marta has a problem, because she got involved without knowing the basic information about Tomek. Fortunately, an important issue was clarified, which is the profession of a partner. It is worth for Marta to treat it as a chance for a serious conversation, to speak honestly about her expectations and to listen to Tomek, how he sees their future together. After all, meetings away will not replace everyday life. Martha has to decide what is her priority: the opinion of others or her own happiness. If both of them really want to try, you can stay together, for example during the holidays. The decision to move should be carefully considered.

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Psychology