I am losing contact with my 13-year-old son. For some time he has been neglecting his duties (he does not do his homework, does not attend music or English lessons), he would prefer to sit at the computer or in front of the TV. Every conversation on this topic ends up in an argument with the use of offensive words against me, even though I try to talk calmly and never offend Him. After misbehaving, he doesn't apologize. An additional problem is that the son uses the household members' things without asking for permission, often destroying them, although I explain that he is doing wrong. It is difficult to trust him, because he often lies and does not keep his promises. I don't get discouraged, I keep trying to talk and understand, but after another answer: "I don't listen to you, go away, I can't look at you" it's getting harder and harder for me to fight. I know, adolescence, but … is this the only reason for this behavior?

Anna! Puberty definitely influences the young person's impulsiveness. A strong manifestation of their separateness and independence began. The only question is whether it has to be done in the way you describe. Young people often find no other model and, like your son, react with negation and rudeness. Is it his individual idea or the style taken over from his peers, it is difficult for me to say, because I have too little data. The boy is at a time when he must be kept under strict but discreet control. He is very sensitive and explosive, so you have to try to apply as few directives as possible, and put him as often as possible in situations of choice, so that he feels that he is the one who decides for himself. I think you should communicate with the teachers. It happens that young people function perfectly at school, and they relieve tensions at home on their loved ones. If that turns out to be the case, you have to let him get a little "naughty" at home so that the tension can be released. This does not mean that you should put up with rudeness. Acknowledge them with a very short comment. If so far your relationship with your son has been correct and there have been no lies, ignoring science, etc., and it has suddenly changed, try to trace if something unusual in the life of your son or family has happened in the meantime that could cause a change in behavior. Sometimes, for example, getting to know a new friend who becomes an authority, or someone's too intrusive intrusion into the emotional affairs of a teenager may suddenly changereactions. These things could be solved by a psychologist. I think it's time to treat your teenager more and more maturely. The role of mummy who checks the notebooks is over. It is up to the son to acknowledge that it is up to him to study and to be mindful of his own responsibilities. Its fate depends on it. He needs to find out that you recognize his right to make his own choices, and he doesn't have to lie. But he must also acknowledge that you have a right and a duty to follow him when he goes astray. These are very adult conversations, but without them it will be difficult to establish proper relations. The basis of the agreement is to convince your child that you are not condemning him. You love, you wish well, you want to understand and protect against evil and help when you cannot cope on your own. However, you require respect as a mother, woman and other human being. There is no discussion here. If these comments are insufficient, talk to a psychologist who will be able to provide you with more details in direct contact. Regards. B.

Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.

Barbara Śreniowska-Szafran

Educator with many years of experience.

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