Help the development of the site, sharing the article with friends!
My man is 45 years old. He is a bachelor living in a free relationship. We have been together for over 2 years. I am divorced, I have 2 children. Me and my children are positive, contact people. However, my partner has not come into contact with my children in any way for over 2 years. And it's not about liking each other, getting fond of each other, etc. The usual tolerance, communicativeness, etc. I love him very much, but I stop to understand. He's weird - just like that. He has a natural talent for saving. Everything buys the cheapest - from food to clothes. When I tell him to buy himself something decent, he says that it is superfluous, that he does not need it, and that he must not look rich. But that's not the problem yet. The worst part is that he is terribly antisocial. There are no friends, no close friends, no acquaintances. I do, and if I sometimes ask him to come visit me, he says he doesn't need it. In the end, he makes up his mind and even if we were there for 10 hours, he doesn't say anything. After leaving, he comments a lot. Nothing else makes him happy. Nothing will ever praise anyone. Always something wrong. He hates being pointed out to him - but he loves being praised for it. The worst situations are me-children-him. And here I don't know how to figure out the problem. An example situation: I'm in the kitchen and I'm doing something, my son comes and we talk - just like that. He comes - sees that we are talking. He will not sit down, he will not talk. She has a "puff" right away, goes to the room and I know that she will come to the kitchen when I'm alone. Not earlier. Or my son tells something in front of me and him, and he then comments that my son is telling stupid things. It is somewhere between jealousy and competition, between him and my children. When we are alone, it is perfect. He is casual, communicative and cheerful. And it should be like that: me and him. Themselves. He recently bought himself a new car. Great joy. After a while after buying the car, he told me that he would like to meet his former "lady" to see him. I felt terrible. How am I supposed to live with such a man? I love him very much, but I will not leave the children for him. The love for children is different and the love for him is different. They are all very important to me equally. I've read a lot about different behaviors and personalities. Many features that I noticed in him are characterized by borderline disease,but not completely. I would like to know what is wrong with him, why this can happen, how to help him and myself. U.S. Unfortunately, during these 2 years my energy is burning, he has no positive attitude. He is a well-groomed man, he can do a lot, and at the same time such a small preschooler.
I can't decide for you if you want to part ways with your partner or not. It is an individual decision of each person. However, I know how difficult such decisions can be, especially since you are emotionally connected with another person. Please ask yourself: does this relationship satisfy me? am I happy in it? do I really love him or am I afraid to be alone again? Your partner, who bonded with you, knew what relationship he was going into and with whom … that you have children that you will raise together in the future.
You should talk seriously with your partner about the relationship between you, your children and him, and you can relate to your feelings about his lack of involvement in your children's affairs. Think about the common interests or passions that your children and your partner may have and introduce them into your life. I think that family therapy - your joint therapy - will be a very good solution in order to work through some difficult matters that you struggle with on a daily basis. Consider also social skills training and let your partner also think about his individual therapy, because I believe that his behavior results from situations and events that took place in the past. If he does not put them in order in his head and in the emotional sphere, it will be very difficult for you to build a he althy and satisfying relationship. I keep my fingers crossed.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Ewa GuzowskaEwa Guzowska - educator, addiction therapist, lecturer at GWSH in Gdańsk. A graduate of the Pedagogical Academy in Krakow (social and care pedagogy) and postgraduate studies in therapy and diagnosis of children and adolescents with developmental disorders. She worked as a school educator and addiction therapist in a drug addiction center. He conducts numerous trainings in the field of interpersonal communication.
More advice from this expert
Teenager rebellion. How to deal with strange child behavior? [Expert advice]Constant fatigue, apathy, isolation from people [Expert advice]Diagnosis of a child with intellectual disability [Expert's advice]The child beats his head and cries [Expert's tip]The child repeats ugly words: what can we do? [Expert advice]How can Ito become a kindergarten teacher? [Expert advice]How is a teen to tell her parents about her pregnancy? [Expert advice]How to give medications to a person with dementia? [Expert advice]How to start autism therapy? [Expert advice]How can separation from a parent affect a baby? [Expert advice]How to deal with a difficult relationship with a partner? [Expert advice]How to encourage a child to read freely? [Expert advice]9-year-old fear of sleeping alone [Expert's advice]Teenager: what does it mean and where did sleeping with mom come from? [Expert advice]Teenager has a math problem: where to go? [Expert advice]Teenager does what she wants: how to deal with it? [Expert advice]Teen: bouts of aggression, depression, elevated mood [Expert advice] Teenage Girls: Exercise, He althy Eating, and Arresting Menstruation [Expert Advice]The habit of sucking the tongue while sleeping. How to unlearn a child? [Expert advice]An infant bends his ear while sleeping [Expert's tip]Nobody will interfere with the upbringing of my child….Symptoms of autism in a 2-year-old child [Expert's advice]Learning problems in a child in elementary school [Expert's advice]Adoption of a child. How to talk to a born child? [Expert advice]Where do dreams about ex-partners come from? [Expert advice]Anxiety in a child [Expert's advice]School: 6-year-olds without an educator [Expert's tip]Amphetamine addiction: how can I help a friend? [Expert advice]Vision defect and exemption from PE [Expert's advice]Grandson is addicted to computer games - what to do? [Expert advice]