We are with my husband 6 years after the wedding. Our sex life was very successful until we decided that we wanted a baby. Long efforts, anxiety as to whether we would succeed, made us love each other only on fertile days. It was more of a chore than a pleasure! After joint research, it turned out that we both have problems. I have endometriosis and my husband has bad semen results, it broke him. The husband was more and more reluctant to approach sex. I had a surgery. The doctor said that nothing stands in the way of getting pregnant, but unfortunately, after a long treatment with hormones, things did not settle in bed … Finally, after talking to the doctor, we decided to try artificial insemination and after the first cycle we managed. I was pregnant, but it didn't last long … I had a miscarriage. A year has passed since then. The problem is, we haven't had sex since then. The husband does not want to. Still has some excuses, almost like a woman. As the saying goes: I have a headache, I am tired. I don't know what to do … I understand my husband. He works 14 hours a day, sometimes more. I understand it all, but there are also days off, and yet I don't want to do anything with me. Could it be some kind of trauma caused by long efforts to have a baby? My husband says he still likes me. Besides, we are a compatible and loving marriage. We have never been some "sex demons", but I love him and I need his tenderness, love and closeness …
It may actually be related to some kind of trauma. If you try for a long time, sex becomes mechanical, it begins to fulfill only one function - procreative, and the partners forget that sex is supposed to give them more pleasure and bring them closer to each other.
Besides, a man with fertility problems often reacts with a drop in self-esteem, feeling worthless as a man. For him, fertility is an indicator of masculinity.
In addition, you did not manage to deliver a pregnancy, which may be another failure for him and cause great anxiety and fear of another pregnancy.
All these factors can cause your husband to avoid sex because you lost your intimacy, passion and closeness while trying to have a baby. In addition, he may be afraid of further failures. It was worthwhile for you to visit a sexologist psychologist together. Therapy could be herehelp.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Magdalena Krzak (Bogdaniuk)
Psychologist, psychotherapist, clinical sexologist and forensic sexologist. He has a Clinical Sexologist Certificate, awarded by the Polish Society of Sexology, after completing full specialization in clinical sexology in Warsaw, and a Court Sexologist Certificate. He deals with the treatment of sexual disorders in women and men. He works both individually and with couples. She conducts psychotherapy for victims of sexual violence. He conducts diagnostics and psychological support for transsexual people.
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