Communicating your sexual needs can be one of the more difficult aspects of being together. Partners often lack words and boldness, which is additionally combined with various cultural fairy tales that in true love - and sex - everything is so obvious and natural that there is no reason to talk to your partner …

It's a paradox that everyone talks and trumpets about sex - only sexual partners don't talk about it. Why is sex so hard to talk about? Technically speaking, the Polish language is not conducive to such conversations, because we can refer either to a medical dictionary or one that - depending on our sensitivity - is sometimes considered vulgar or is somewhere on the verge of vulgarity. So we often lack the language - the ordinary one - to talk about sex. Second, lack of communication is often the result of shame. We are ashamed, so we remain silent.

- My conversations with couples show that we often fear that by talking about our needs we may hurt our partner. When we honestly say what we would like to change - she may cower in herself - feel ashamed or think that she is not a good lover or lover. And the other way around - we are afraid to feel hurt if - despite the fact that we have communicated something - the partner does not respond as we imagined - enumerates Anna Moderska, erotic consultant.

Learn 6 rules to stick to when talking about sex.

1. Are you talking about sex? Learn the rules

If this is going to be your first conversation, it would be a good idea to have it outside the bedroom. Couples therapists also advise against discussing sex after sex (unless we only have good things to say). Before the actual conversation, decide which words you do not want to use, what reactions you do not accept (e.g. we do not shout or leave the room before our partner has finished speaking, we do not interrupt ourselves, put the cells in a drawer etc.).

2. You are talking about sex. Be clear about the purpose of the conversation

If this is your beginning of talking about sex, make it clear why you want to talk about it. Do not leave room for guesswork for your partner ("Does he not love me anymore? Am I bored? Does he have someone else?). Say, "I want to talk to you about our sex because I love her and want us to be even closer to each other."

3. Talk about feelings. No accusation

Start with what you now have in common without making reference to itto the distant past, when you hardly ever got out of bed. Say what you like about your relationship with your partner here and now. List at least 5 things that connect you. Don't accuse - "If you loved me, you would know that I like extra stimulation …". Not. Your partner doesn't know how long you won't tell him or show him. Also, don't do psychoanalysis to your partner, don't do it to yourself.

It's best not to talk about what he or she is, just about what you feel and what you perceive. Try to define the problem as neutral as possible, for example - "I have the feeling that you are tired recently and you feel less like having sex". Always make sure that your partner understands what you are saying and give him / her the right to explain or rectify, especially when you talk about him.

4. Your needs are very important. As important as your partner's opinion

When you talk about sex, talk about your needs and at the same time signal that your partner's opinion is important to you: “I'd like to try this or that, I get excited to think about doing these things with you. What do you think?". Also, give your partner the right to communicate their needs in the same way. - For many couples, a simple exercise works well. We make a list of things to be done - each partner writes down what they would like to do and how. Then we exchange cards and mark each item: yes, no, not now. This makes it easier for partners to come to an agreement on how they would like to improve their sex life - explains the Fun Factory expert.

5. Remember your common goal

When talking about sex, remember that you and your partner both have one common goal: a successful sex life. Let your conversation aim to find new experiences together, to color and diversify your life together. If you fixate on finding out the blame and looking for the reasons why it's been boring / too rare / you don't like it lately - you may be stuck in the place for months. So tell me what has recently stimulated your erotic imagination and ask your partner about the same.

- Couples looking for ways to diversify their sex life, often reach for sex toys, which are sometimes better than words to suggest what specifically change in sex - explains Anna Moderska.

6. Do not be prejudiced and do not get discouraged

Even if talking about sex doesn't work out the first time - come back to the topic after a few days. Your partner will have time to digest a few thoughts and may be able to get back to the conversation on his own. But nothing by force.

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