Sibling relationships are never going to be perfect. Children of the same parents are two individuals whose reactions parents are not able to predict with 100% certainty. It is impossible to prevent conflicts or make sure no one ever suffers. So what can parents do? Help children overcome common problems.

When a child finds out that there will be siblings, it awakens many - often completely contradictory - emotions in him. It can be curiosity, fear, impatience. There is also joy among them, but usually this is just one of many feelings. While waiting for siblings, a child needs to talk to an adult very much. It is extremely important for him to be able to share his fears and expectations, tell about the doubts that haunt them, and not be judged for them. To be able to look forward to your siblings happily, you need to pay a lot of attention to them, work a lot on the relationship, talk and play.

Big changes

When another child appears in the world, parents face the problem of how to reconcile the needs of a young child with the needs of the older child, who, in addition, is often jealous of every moment devoted to their siblings. A baby mainly needs three things - food, a clean diaper and being close to his mother. On the other hand, the older child requires attention and assurances that his parents have not stopped loving him and the younger member of the household has not taken his rightful place. However, words alone are not enough. The child will be happy when he really sees the parent's interest and when the latter really makes time for him. When breastfeeding lying down, you can suggest that the old boy lie down next to him and read a book together. When choosing a sitting feeding place, you can sit comfortably enough to have one hand free. This will allow you to play board games or do whatever the old schoolboy comes up with. For an older child, "sharing" mom is easier when she does not have to give her all away. It does not mean, however, that he will like the fact that younger siblings participate in each game.

That stupid baby!

The appearance of an infant in the family may also cause many strange,difficult, sometimes irritating, other times causing anxiety behavior of an elderly child. They have two sources. The first is curiosity and the will to imitate. Lots of kids want to know what it's like to be a little kid, and that's where the strangest ideas come to their mind. Funnily enough, they are often based on a child's perceptions of how an infant should behave. The second reason may be jealousy and competition for the equally loving care of parents. Regardless of how strange or burdensome the older child's behavior may be, it does not have to be a source of concern for parents or lead to an increase in "educational activities". It is better to look at it as signals sent by the child - what he feels, what his needs are and what he expects from mum and dad. This will help to overcome the anger felt by almost every tired parent in such situations. Best of all, to turn irritation into a willingness to act that is something other than disciplining and raising a "rascal." The child will then no longer be a small tease for the parent, but a helpless creature who at all costs tries to communicate with loved ones in the only language he knows.

Building sibling relationships

The feeling of attachment places family relationships above other types of relationships. Natural attachment to the mother and father until the end of life gives a sense of security in relationships with others, similarly, attachment to siblings can become the basis on which a child will build relationships with peers, look for friends and be a friend to others. For this reason, it is important to cultivate this bond between siblings. The feeling of attachment increases the likelihood that, despite conflicts, siblings will be able to communicate with each other and be ready to support each other. Such siblings on the outside constitute a harmonious group that, despite differences of opinion, will defend each other against all forms of aggression.

Bonding children

The basic condition for creating a bond between children is being together, because lasting relationships cannot be created at a distance. So it is not a good idea to separate the older child from the younger one in such a way that when the older one is in kindergarten, the mother takes care of the toddler; when it comes back, the younger siblings are handed over to the father, and the mother devotes her time only to the older one. It is a good idea to leave the older child at home for the first few days after the newborn arrives from the hospital. Then it will be easier to adapt to the new situation. She will have time to get used to her sister or brother and stay with her mother. In the first weeks, when the toddler is still sleeping a lot, she may spend more time with the older boy, laterthere will be definitely fewer of them.

In the long run, this is a beneficial solution, because a close relationship will develop between the children, although it is not worth deluding ourselves that as parents we will prevent numerous conflicts between them. However, being at home together is not enough. Children must have physical access to each other. For a bond to form with a newborn baby, the older baby must be able to touch, stroke and kiss him. All sensory experiences are important here - looking at the face of a sister or brother or touching delicate skin. Strengthening sibling bonds can be hampered by the fact that a newborn baby is too small to interact with his environment. However, if the sister / brother is often around him, the toddler will quickly recognize him / her by smell, voice and appearance, and thus - react enthusiastically to their presence. The effect of this will be to tighten the bond: how could an elderly person not like someone who is so happy to see him? Last but not least, in such close relationships the mere presence of an older child may be soothing to the younger one and act at least in part like the presence of a parent. As a result, the older one feels important, needed and more willing to care.

How not to build a wall between children?

Certain words and expectations can contribute to the deterioration of sibling relationships. They are often related to the differences in treating children and assigning them specific roles. And it's not about treating every child the same, but it's about discovering and meeting children's needs equally, regardless of age or gender. "You must share", "You should give in" - forcing to share or give in does not lead to building a positive feeling towards the person to whom you had to give up a valuable thing. On the contrary, when a child hears that he has to share, he feels cheated. It turns out that something that has been given to him suddenly ceases to be such and cannot be freely disposed of. Besides, coercion does not build respect for the other person. Therefore, the older ones may feel dislike of the younger ones and the next time they will try to hide the valuable thing as deeply as possible.

So what to do in a situation when a younger child cares about something that is older? First, ask the older child if they are willing to share, then let them make a decision and respect it. Thanks to this, the elder will learn a sense of agency. He realizes that the decision is his and whatever he makes, will be accepted. So if the parent expects the older child not to break uptoys for the younger one, it is worth introducing the principle of symmetry - the younger one will also not be allowed to do it. If the older sibling is not to make noise when the younger one falls asleep, then the younger one should also be explained not to scream when the older siblings are busy with something important. It doesn't really matter that for the first year of life, the younger one won't understand or respect the rules. The point is that they apply and that the older child knows that they protect them as much as the younger one, and therefore make sense. In practice, the implementation of such a principle may seem strange, and at times also funny. However, it introduces a sense of justice on the one hand, and understanding on the other.

Everyone is different

When observing your own offspring, you often want to tell someone how much one child is different from another, how these differences turn out to be surprising, or how much advantage one has over the other in some respects. Such behavior should be avoided, because parents' opinions influence what their grandparents or guardians think of their children, what siblings think about themselves, and to some extent also how they interpret the actions of their toddler parents.

It often happens that the parents in their comparisons are equally unfair to both children. The consequence is not only the malaise of both of them, but also the building of a wall of distrust between them; siblings compete to see who gets the more pluses. Children - assessed and compared at every step - know that only one of them can turn out to be better. It does not allow them to cooperate with each other, support each other, build closeness and trust.

The path to your goal may be to put your sister or brother on foot and show them in a bad light, rather than helping them to fulfill their dreams and basic needs. They will become enemies who will build a coalition with one parent against their siblings rather than defend each other.

The article is based on the book "Compatible siblings. How to support children in building a lasting bond "Natalia and Krzysztof Minge, published by the Samo Sedno publishing house.

This will be useful to you

The book " Compatible Siblings. Supporting Children to Build a Lasting Relationship " is reading for anyone who is raising more than one child or planning to expand their family. No matter what age your kids are, here are some tips on how to wisely support your kids and not go crazy!

Reading this guide, you will learn:

  • how to inform your child that they will have a sister or brother;
  • likesupport the child when the baby is at home;
  • which can bring siblings closer together;
  • how to react to aggression and violence;
  • how to be a fair parent and what it actually means;
  • why quarrels are needed and what they lead to;
  • how to introduce children to household chores;
  • how to praise not to hurt

The authors of the guide are Natalia and Krzysztof Minge - psychologists with many years of experience. In their clinic, Hipokampus, run workshops for children and parents. Professionally interested in development psychology, intimacy parenting, supporting children's development and improving adult cognitive functioning. They are the authors of six guides in the Samo Sedno series. Privately, parents of three children.

Category:

Psychology