Show me your mother and I will tell you what you will be in the future - this sentence is deeply truthful. It is hard to find a closer bond in nature than that between mother and daughter. So why don't they communicate so often? See what are the ways to improve the relationship between mother and daughter.

The mother and daughter bondis completely different from mother and son or father and daughter. Perhaps the emotional nature of the woman is to blame for everything. It turns out that the way we communicate with the environment depends on gender. Men usually focus on specific information pertaining to the merits of the matter. Women talk more about their feelings, focus on interpersonal relationships, and refer to memories more often. Their statements are usually longer and more detailed. Ladies are also more prone to digressions.

Mother-daughter relationship: like a woman to a woman

These differences also apply to the way parents communicate with their children. As a rule, the father chooses a communication system that is sparing in words. The mother is more effusive and prone to personal confession. He also finds a better understanding in his daughter than in his son. After all, no one will understand a woman as well as another woman who appreciates the importance of talking about feelings. The mother immediately senses when her baby is sad. He gives her the support she needs in difficult times. They hug, caress, comfort, say something nice. Fathers often underestimate the importance of these gestures. This specific need for women to show emotions strengthens the sense of connection and facilitates understanding.

EXAMPLE:

Anna, 26, studying economics: - I always knew what my mother was in, what makes her happy, what she worries - she says. - I was strongly connected with her and thanks to that I got to know her well. She told me about her successes at work, she told me about quarrels with her mother. I had the feeling that I was part of her life. Dad didn't talk to me about such things. I know he loves me, but he never told me that. As I grew up, I realized how little I know him.

Mother-daughter relationship: excessive honesty can be harmful

It is thanks to her mother that a girl, and then a young woman, learns to recognize and name her feelings. There is, however, a flip side to the coin. Sometimes it's a daughtershe is overwhelmed by the messages she receives. The mother opens her heart to her and tells her sincerely about anger, frustration, fear and sadness. She confides in financial problems or dislike of her husband. Adult daughters who have experienced such honesty have different opinions. Some are grateful for your trust in them. However, many believe that this type of information has deprived them of the sense of security necessary for a child.

EXAMPLE:

- When my parents broke up, I was 12 years old - says Magda, now a 32-year-old employee of the municipal office. - After my divorce, I moved to live with my mother. My mother experienced this breakup very much, she had a great grudge against my father that he had left her. She told me for hours how much she was suffering because of him, what harm he had done to her, how bad he was. And it was my dad, and I didn't want to hear only bad things about him. After the divorce, my father wanted to stay in touch with me. He tried to do it, but I felt unfair towards my mother when I saw him. That is why our contact actually broke off. Today I regret it very much.

Mother-daughter relationship: I'll do anything for you

This is probably what we most often associate with a mother - self-sacrificing, always willing to help. Selfless, patient, understanding. This willingness to sacrifice applies more to daughters than to sons. After all, the boy is raised to become a fighter in the future and to cope on his own. A daughter triggers a greater need for care. After all, my mother remembers well the difficulties she faced at her age. Therefore, it is easier for her to understand the situation of her daughter than that of her son and he is more willing to help her. The best example of this is the common phenomenon of helping a daughter look after her child. It happens, however, that mothers completely give up their lives for the sake of their daughters. They devote all their time to them. They experience their successes and failures more than their own. However, dedicating your entire life to the other person is too much of a gift not to expect anything in return. There comes a moment when a mother who is completely devoted to her child begins to expect a rematch.

EXAMPLE:

Joanna quit her job shortly after the birth of Edyta. She spent all her time caring for the little one, preparing her appropriately sophisticated and balanced meals, entertaining, teaching, and leading to interest groups. She was glad that her daughter was growing, studying well and drawing well. - The conflicts started around adolescence - confesses Edyta. - I was fed up with the fact that my mother organizes my whole life. I gave up less interesting extracurricular activities, I wanted to have more time for myself, meet friends, goto cinema. My mom was terribly upset that I didn't care about my future. It got worse with time. She didn't accept my friends or my boyfriend. She believed that they distracted me from study and work. She had a precise vision of what my life should be like and decided to make it come true. The fact that this was my life and I should be deciding it somehow didn't appeal to her. Joanna was mortally offended at Edyta when she chose mathematics instead of art. She treated her move out as a betrayal. She feels that Edyta has let her down, hurt her - and she sacrificed everything for her …

Research shows that such possessiveness is passed down from generation to generation: daughters of possessive mothers often later become possessive of their children.

Toxic love of a mother to her daughter

The psychological bond between mother and daughter also applies to the sphere of norms and values. Research confirms that girls share their mothers' views much more than boys. This applies to various spheres of life, including views on love, relationships between a woman and a man, and sex. This puts a huge responsibility on the mother, because her attitude has a significant impact even on the child's adult life. Sometimes the daughter becomes a hostage of the standards passed to her by her mother.

Zofia Milska-Wrzosińska in her book "Bezradnik" describes the case of a patient who took over from her mother the view that all sex or gender-related behaviors are bad and shameful, and should not be discussed at all. The marriage of this patient a few years after the wedding was still not consummated. The rules imposed by the mother caused the woman to completely abandon the sexual sphere of life.

Research on the etiology of eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) shows that the cause of these diseases may be the restrictive standards of physical appearance presented by the patient's mother. A mother who is overly critical or judgmental exerts a much greater influence on her daughter than a father who has the same characteristics. There is a reason for this: for a young child, the mother is the focal point of the world. He spends more time with her, at least in the first years of his life, than with any other human being. He watches her gestures, manner and facial expressions for hours. He learns the world through his mother.

This will be useful to you

Peterson and Roberts, scientists in Canada, have proven that the way mothers and daughters are told, reported events, commented on, and details are similar in a striking way - daughters and mothers describe the same events in a very similar way, even if they had previously they did not agree on the testimony. It seems obvious that there will be people living togethershow similarities in various areas of life, also in the manner of storytelling. True, but scientists have not noticed that this degree of similarity also exists between mothers and sons, fathers and sons, or fathers and daughters. It seems that the similarity of language is characteristic of mothers and daughters, and indicates a strong bond between them - after all, the language we use reflects our way of looking at the world. Common language means not only the use of similar vocabulary, but also common norms and views.

Daughter same as mother

However, the bond between mother and daughter is closer, more intimate than that between mother and son. In the latter case, the difference in sex makes even a young boy aware of his separateness and ceases to fully identify with his mother. For most daughters, the mother remains the most important point of reference throughout most of their childhood and often adulthood. A little girl tries to look like her mother as much as possible. She tries on her outfits in front of the mirror. He repeats gestures and words, practices facial expressions. He plays at home, imitating her behavior. At this stage in her life, mom is the greatest in the world, and the daughter wants to be exactly like her ideal. With time, however, there is a growing need to emphasize one's individuality, which explodes in full force during adolescence. Often the first symptom of this is to negate partially or completely the image of the mother and his resemblance to her. The daughter defines herself by treating her mother as a point of reference, comparison.

Mom, I want to be myself

A daughter needs the image of her mother in order to create the right image of herself, but also her attention and feedback. Only then is he able to build his "original" relationship with the world when he receives clear signals from his mother: "I accept your choices" or "I love you, although I do not like what you are doing." Indifference is the worst. Mothers who carefully observe their daughters and maintain close contact with them, while allowing them to make their own decisions, are good partners on this difficult path from full identification to becoming an autonomous individual. Thus, they make an investment that pays off better than the insurance policy. They have a chance for a lifetime to maintain a bond and good contact with the closest and, finally, the most similar person - their daughter. And they don't have to agree on everything.

Unless the mother is a harsh judge or malicious critic, talking to her daughter can be an extremely rewarding experience for both of them. You don't need to explain anything, often right awaythey know what the other wants to say. They comment on people and events in a similar way. They are amused by the same situations. Often a daughter has the impression that she cannot get along with anyone, not even her boyfriend, husband or best friend, as well as with this woman twenty or thirty years her senior - her mother.

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Category:

Psychology