Traditional family roles are becoming a thing of the past. Increasingly, a woman earns more than a man and the burden of supporting the family falls on her. Educated and resourceful, she is good at her new role. But is it good for both of her and her partner?
Currently, only a man works in a rarerelationship . And women not only started working outside the home, but also often earn more than their partners and also managethe home budget . This is confirmed by GUS data - every fourth wife is the head of the family and usually her salary is higher than that of her husband. Even so, it is difficult to get used to gender democracy. This is not an easy task, especially for men. For while the man has long been no longer a warrior who provided the family with a roof over his head and food, he still believes that only he can providefamily support . When he stops fulfilling this function, he may feel lost, unnecessary, humiliated … His situation is made even worse by the fact that for years the housework - performed only by women - was underestimated. It was said dismissively that "this one is just sitting at home", and she worked hard there! Now, if a man takes her place, he may find that housekeeping is a chore from morning to night. Unfortunately, it's not easy for men to put their pride in their pockets. Therefore, changing roles can be a difficult test for the relationship.
When the family's livelihood falls on a woman
Monika earns three times more than her husband. But he also spends three times as much time on work. - I have been taking my work home for a long time, I also work at weekends. My free time is cleaning on the run - admits Monika. - Jacek has not finished his studies and works part time for 2 weeks a month. He's been on the internet a lot - he says he's looking for a job, and I catch him playing nonsensical games. I also find beer cans in the basket … I even tried to find him a job, but he's a grown man! At home, Jacek is completely passive - he won't make dinner, he won't take care of me in other jobs, and how much do I have to ask for him to go shopping during the weekend … I don't even sleep with him anymore, because I don't have time or I just don't have the strength. Anyway, I am not thinking about the child yet (Jacek - and yes), because I do not know when I would take care of him. Besides, her husband's salary would not be enough to support three people - says Monika.
Marta works in an advertising agency, Piotr has been on parental leave for 2.5 years and deals with two young children. - The decision was made quickly because Marta earned more and had better prospects. We also did not want strangers to look after our children, says Piotr. - Some friends teased me that I had turned into a domestic hen. My mother is not delighted with it either, but the fact is that we and Marta and I know why we are doing it - emphasizes Piotr. - I know that the children are well looked after - says Marta. - Piotr has great contact with them, he shows them the world, he is also an excellent "housekeeper" - he cooks, cleans and washes. Does it make him less attractive to me? Not! When he takes care of children, I feel his great love - he admits. - What if the vacation ends? - Piotr wonders. - I would like to stay with the children, but I need money to support them, so I will go back to work, although maybe not full-time …
Ewa, since she was promoted, earns more than twice as much as Andrzej. - This is not a dream situation for me - admits Andrzej. - And even though I'm used to it, something hugs me. But on the other hand, my wife is better educated, she still does some courses, and I don't want to start my studies anymore, because I'm 50 years old. After we met, I had my own company and I think I impressed her with that. After a few years, the company collapsed, I managed to hire in administration, but there was much less money involved, although it was quite certain - he says. - My wife seems to be sorry for me, but I have no chance of earning extra money somewhere on the side … Ewa has a different opinion: - My husband is not eager to take up some additional work and this is why he loses in my eyes, because I have not married such a man … Since my children "Flew out" from the family nest, his happiness is only being on the plot. He has no ambitions and he got sloppy.
ImportantThe best family model … in theory
According to CBOS research, 41 percent of respondents, the best for the family is a partnership model of marriage in which both spouses work professionally and share the responsibilities related to running the house and raising children to an equal extent. The traditional family model, in which only a man works professionally, is preferred by 32%. people. The mixed model, in which a woman, apart from her professional work, takes care of the house and children, with little involvement of the man in domestic affairs, gains the least approval - 25 percent. subjects. How does it look in practice? Well, the mixed model is implemented more often (in 29% of marriages) than the traditional (23%) or partnership model (19%). So women still work two jobs …
A woman in a difficult role: breadwinner and head of the family
When a woman is the only or most important breadwinner in the family, she may be comfortable with it, but it is not always easy for her. On the one hand, being the head of the family gives her a sense of strength and increases self-esteem. But on the other hand, she may feel that she is losing a very important element of the traditional division of roles - a sense of security. In addition, due to the excess of duties, she is overloaded, and then it is easy to blame her partner. For example, Monika and Ewa feel worse and worse in their role. Monika resents her husband for not helping her at all, as if he did not notice that she was still absorbed in her work. Ewa, on the other hand, would like Andrzej to find a part-time job, because then perhaps she would appreciate his masculinity again.
Women who bear the main burden of housekeeping would prefer to have partnerships - based on equality, mutual help. For example, Monika thinks so. But every time he tries to talk to Jack about it, he sees his helplessness. At work, she is the head of the department, and at home, she cannot cope with her husband's resistance. He realizes that this situation is not easy for him. He prefers to withdraw rather than face the truth. But for Monika it is obvious that the burden of maintaining and running a house cannot be placed on one person - it is beyond their strength.
A partnership relationship was established by Marta and Piotr, who temporarily swapped roles to support each other. The family is the supreme value for them, so they had no problems making such a decision. Although at first they both felt overloaded, because they faced new roles, especially Piotr. Their situation shows that a successful life for two is not about fighting, but about mutual support and help. This is a huge value.
When the housekeeping depends on the woman, the man may be offended and hurt
The situation of a man in a relationship in which a woman earns more than he earns is not comfortable. Because although he knows perfectly well that currently ladies hold high positions and earn well, he knows it only in theory. If this happens in his relationship, he has a hard time enduring his partner's successes, treating them almost like his failure. When she spends less time with him, she feels rejected. She may react aggressively to her wife's words, as if every sentence she spoke was a harrowing action that she was not a 100% man. He also stops supporting her and becomes the first critic of her moves. He may even become depressed or addicted because he is mentally weaker. Andrzej admits that he got irritated when Ewa got a promotion. He even thought, "Now the feathers will frighten." In fact, it was a blow to him. Before that, he was the master of the house - he had his own business and the adoration of his wife. And now?Recognition of the wife has turned into resentment and disregard.
Often, when a woman has a career and a partner stops at a certain point, their relationship starts to deteriorate and a gap forms between them. This also happened to Monika and Jacek - he closes himself in his shell. He is completely not interested in domestic matters, as if they did not concern him at all. She believes that a real man does not do typical woman's work, such as cooking or washing up. He is also not thinking about starting studies. And although he knows the roles have changed, he doesn't want to accept it. And he drowns offended pride in alcohol.
Some men feel they are home owners as long as they bring money to it. If the wife starts earning more, the husband loses that position. And if he has to take care of the house for this reason, he may not find himself in this situation. Then she may even threaten a divorce, which seems unrealistic to a woman, and for some men the reversed model of the family is unreal and too avant-garde … Unfortunately, ladies often get their partners used to the fact that they do a significant part of the housework. This results in little involvement of men in taking care of the house - as in the case of Monika and Jacek. Monika should agree with her husband on the division of duties and follow it consistently. Then perhaps he would not feel offended, because it would be their joint decision - as in the case of a temporary agreement between Marta and Piotr, who does not treat their duties as coercion. This is his contribution to the functioning of the home, to raising children.
Men, however, although reluctantly, sooner or later take over some of the duties. They easily take care of what requires strength, worse with cleaning, washing, etc. But here a lot depends on women. Because if a wife shows her husband that she is necessary for an activity, or when she praises him that he has done something much better than she did, the partner feels needed and appreciated. Then he will be more willing to do it in the future, because words of appreciation mobilize.
Act diplomatically
Even if you are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with your situation, do your best not to make your partner feel that because they are not maintaining a home, they are less masculine or less valuable. Therefore, involve him as often as possible in domestic matters (e.g. shopping, organizing children's free time, planning weekends and holidays), ask for his opinion on important issues (e.g. how to allocate money), praise him for the small cleaning he did in your absence. When a man is responsible for the assigned tasks and sees your appreciation, he will feel needed and will endure a difficult period more easily.
Traditional roles are becoming a thing of the past
Forfor some women, the ability to earn a living is tantamount to a guarantee of safety for themselves and their children. However, different ladies need different attributes of masculinity. It can also be the husband's passions, curiosity, courage, etc. Then money is not necessary to keep him attractive.
Temporary role changes are a test for the relationship. Whatever the cause, it's important to have a common goal. And it should be the good of the family. Because if the partners have a similar value system, the exchange of responsibilities will not be a problem for them and will strengthen their relationship. If, on the other hand, they treat it as a field for competition, or if one of their partners "hides" at home to avoid work and responsibility, then anger and resentment will come to the fore. Partners are not fighters to prove to themselves which one is better. The most important thing is not to make money an attribute of one of the parties. The functioning of a home is not just about maintaining it. There are many pieces to this puzzle that make the shared nest work smoothly. The trick is to create a smart relationship in which both partners care for the family, and the money is used to achieve common goals. If the spouses are able to change roles, it is the best evidence not only of their shared responsibility for the family, but also of maturity.