I have been in a relationship with a boy for a year and a half (we are both 31 years old). From the beginning, things did not go well in the intimate sphere, i.e. we have sex very rarely, because every two weeks or less. As far as I know, it was also an indirect cause of the breakup of his previous relationship. The boy is not the effusive type, but shows affection through warm words and gestures. However, he has never initiated intercourse, and when he does, I have the impression that it is, first and foremost, a 'relief' instead of showing closeness and affection. Occasionally, she will initiate physical contact, but this is extremely rare. We spend our daily time watching movies, talking, but not as passionately as friends. The boy says he doesn't want to and doesn't think about sex at all, because he is tired of work and commuting. He actually has a job that requires concentration, commutes an hour and comes home an hour. His main problem is that he would like to change the apartment, which has been making him depressed for 6 years, because it is a small, ugly studio apartment and this is also often motivated by the lack of willingness to get closer. Sometimes he also hits me, ie he says that I don't care about myself, that he likes makeup, scent etc. I think I'm an attractive girl and that's an excuse. He's done hormonal tests - he's taking allergy medications (Symbicort) and he's overweight and has high blood pressure. The research turned out well, only prolactin 26.09 with normal in men up to 25 ng / ml. I care about him, I don't know why this is happening.
From what you write, I understood that you have been with a boyfriend you care about for a year and a half, you write about friendly relations, spending time together, about showing feelings by the boy through warm gestures and words. The problem you are talking about is the dissatisfaction with your boyfriend's failure to meet your expectations regarding passion, tenderness, frequency and quality of intercourse.
I realized that your partner has he alth problems, talks about low mood, fatigue, lack of willingness and mood for intercourse, expects changes from you regarding appearance. This relationship is important for you, but the sphere of sexual closeness, passion and intimacy is also important, and this is where you experience frustration, so it's important to talk about it honestly and very seriously.
In such a conversation, it is important that you emphasize what is good for you in this relationship, what you appreciate and howthis relationship is important to you, but just as honestly - how important is closeness, expressing and showing feelings for you. I think it would be worth meeting with an experienced psychologist or sexologist, so that both sides would get to know their expectations, find out from each other whether you are able to meet them, are you ready to make changes, maybe the specialist's advice will be helpful . It is worth encouraging the boy to take care of his physical and mental he alth, because it has a huge impact on the quality of life and the way of using it, also in the sexual sphere. If your partner is not interested in such a meeting, I encourage you to take care of yourself and see a specialist, it can help you communicate with your partner, express your own expectations and face difficulties. It is worth looking for, e.g. on the Internet, recommended, experienced specialists with appropriate qualifications.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Dominika Ambroziewicz-WnukPsychologist, personal development trainer.
For 20 years she has been working with teenagers, young adults and their carers. Supports people who experience school and relational difficulties, adolescence disorders and teenage parents www.centrum-busola.pl
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