My husband comes from a pathological family. The parents are divorced for a long time, the father was an alcoholic and demolished the apartment under the influence of alcohol. The mother did not take care of the children properly (my husband and his sister), I think she looked after herself more, the children did what they wanted. She did not talk to them, did not teach them how to act in life. Now I suffer from it. My husband cannot live with another person (me), he does not understand that now we should make all decisions together. He cannot talk, he withdraws himself and blames me for trying to manipulate and rule him. And I'm just trying to teach him and show him how to act in life, what is good and what is not, etc. I was brought up in a full family with established moral principles. I was taught how to act in life. I had an example of a loving family and a happy marriage. And now I would like to transfer this to my relationship, but my husband sees it as an attempt to "set it up" and defends himself against it. Even before the wedding, he began to show how aggressive he can be, now it is getting more and more. He is calm until he gets angry, it's not enough to scream, he always has to destroy something. Most often he takes out on furniture (in my opinion, he subconsciously imitates his father, whom he hates). I am starting to be afraid of him, and for some time now I have been negative about him. Now, whatever he does or says, I deny. I got nervous and turned against him - with reciprocity. Recently, we both found that we are together because we have to, not because we want to. And we are only 7 months after the wedding. I think we should start by changing our attitudes towards ourselves, but I don't know how to do that. Due to the fact that his entire family lacks polite and good manners, I do not want to deal with them. I'm afraid that he will always be like all of them. Even at our wedding, I was ashamed of their behavior in front of my family, especially his mother, who straddled a young boy in one of the competitions. If nothing gets better in the near future, I think I will decide to divorce. Please help.
It is not known if you are right. If something breaks down in a relationship, it is usually everyone's fault. Your letter shows that you are perfect, thatyou have a great family and that you are the measure of good and bad. This attitude of a partner is already frustrating for most men. He gets mad and you get smart and you humiliate him and his whole family - I wonder what's worse? … You write about a change of attitude. It's true - you need to change your attitude towards each other, because nothing will come of it. I suggest that you start with yourself: stop being his teacher and become a partner. Men can be difficult and angry, but only as his partner will you know whether you can be with him or not. He, too, will have a chance to see if such a wife suits him. For now, he doesn't want to be with the wise, all-knowing teacher who talks psychological gibberish to him, and you don't want to be with a guy who is rude, rude, unmanageable and aggressive. The only question is, where did your attitudes come from? Are you like that and will never change, or are they the result of mutual interaction with each other. Because it's not that every good family brings up ideals - there are also murderers there. And it's not that every pathological family produces aggressive psychopaths, there are also many wonderful people living there. So let's not judge that someone is better or worse - this is a big mistake, especially in a relationship. Check when is nice, calm, affectionate, cultured? After all, for some reason you fell in love with him … Are there many or few moments, and what are the circumstances, what do you talk about, how do you behave. Check out what makes him a cool guy. Also check when and what upsets him. Also check how important it is to you. With many people, they function depending on the environment and the circumstances that are created for them. For now, you are creating hell for him (even if he deserves it). Try to create a home for him that accepts him and is more showing, supporting than denying and rebuking him, and it may turn out that it is enough for him to understand something and start to change. It is easy to get a divorce and harder to create a relationship between two people. You have to work on a relationship, recognize its weaknesses, understand that there are no perfect people, that everyone is to blame, but everyone is to blame for something else. Then you have to try to change it, work on it, support and listen to each other, and then only when there are no results, think about breaking up. At any time, you can go to a specialist who can help you in this matter.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Piotr Mosakeducational psychologist and business psychologist, business trainer, psychotherapist, university lecturer.
Other tips of thisexpert
Should I break off this "sick" marriage? [Expert advice]Shaking hands and choosing a profession [Expert's advice]Trouble with a two-year-old [Expert's tip]Trouble with weight loss [Expert's tip]Laziness or disease? [Expert advice]The human psyche [Expert's tip]My girlfriend died in an accident [Expert's tip]I don't know how to talk to a girl … [expert's tip]Unexpected erection problem [Expert Advice]Managing your own phobia [Expert Advice]Student stress [Expert's tip]All because of being overweight [Expert's tip]I left my husband and child abroad [Expert's advice]