A post appears on the Facebook group of people struggling with alopecia areata. One of the girls writes that sometimes just before leaving the house you find yourself forgetting to put on a wig. Excerpts from the book “Alopecjanki. Stories of bald women "by Marta Kawczyńska, Harde Publishing House, 2022.

- I'm already standing in the doorway, dressed. I put the key in the lock and suddenly I remember that I don't have any hair on my head. I'll be back soon, I assume. I am afraid that someday I will go out without them. I am always under a bit of stress at such a moment.

Chernobyl and butt injections

The first pancakes on Iwona's head appeared in 1986.

- Then everyone blamed everything on Chernobyl. My disease too. My mother used to drive me to Katowice to see dermatologists. We stood in lines.

Iwona admits that she has no memory for dates. The pancakes on her head came and went. Over and over again. Ten years ago, however, one of them made a permanent home on the back of the head.

Iwona had only been wearing a wig for a year. Though she fit perfectly, she got tired in it.

- It's been a terrible time for me. I can't even fully explain why. The wig certainly protected me from questions like, "What's going on?", "Will your hair grow back?" This is the worst nightmare that accompanies our illness.

I was afraid they would take photos of me

- When I'm with friends or family, I have no problem showing up with a bald head. I always wear a hat or a handkerchief with strangers. I feel resistance. It's not really about me, it's about them. I don't want people to feel bad seeing me going bald. Fortunately, I have it deeply in my ass more and more often and I can easily take the wig off. What it depends on? It is different. It is not easy for me to stick my head to, as I say, "daylight" in every situation.

I still have a problem with self-acceptance. I don't like when someone takes pictures of me, I don't like it very much. You don't even know how many times my friends got a kick for trying to take a photo of me. I was even able to beat them when I noticed itdo. Over time, this aggression calmed down, disappeared. The absurdity is that when I lost my hair for good, many things stopped bothering me.

The hair fell out a few months after Iwona left her husband.

Suddenly the good came to me

Iwona was twenty-four years old when she got married.

- I was not a mature, experienced person. I didn't have the knowledge I have now. I only got it in a therapeutic group for women living in violence. I recommend this to anyone who feels bad about their relationship. To this day, I keep in touch with the girls from the group. We were at different stages of our life in a violent environment, but the patterns were repeated. Most often, we choose partners similar to our fathers and recreate what we knew from home.

- My relationships have always been quite turbulent. Suddenly, good came to me. He stood by me, he saved me. He confessed his love to me very quickly. After six months, we got married. The idyll lasted several years. Our life went on normally, we functioned without any major problems. The children appeared. I don't know when something started to go wrong. I missed this moment. He never hit me, but he was aggressive. Brawls, screams and insults began. When he got white fever, everything went wrong in the apartment. Then he explained that he was exhausted because he worked a lot. It took me a long time to realize he had a problem with alcohol. The Prince Charming doesn't drink …

With a loan and three full-time jobs

Iwona and her husband lasted a long time. She only passed away after sixteen years. It took her several years to prepare the plan.

- I took a loan, rented an apartment. To support myself, I worked three jobs. I slept two or three hours a day. In addition, my hair started to fall out. I stood in front of the mirror and turned myself on. I said to myself: "You bastard, you fat man, how can you walk in this world like this?" To my worst enemy, I wouldn't say what to myself. A lot of bad emotions have accumulated within me. I have been repaying the loan I took to rent an apartment. It will probably take another ten years, but it was worth it.

I couldn't use the red earpiece

- How did I end my marriage? I went on vacation, I took my children with me. The three of us traveled for many years, because my husband didn't like riding with us. I did not insist because it was impossible to rest with him,we argued, and the kids were very upset. At the end of the vacation, I wrote him a text that I would be moving out after my return.

He called, but I didn't want to talk to him. I hadn't unpacked properly yet when I heard the question: "When are you getting out?" It poured out the scales of bitterness. I looked at my husband and said tomorrow. With this question, he dispelled the rest of my doubts.

Iwona has a rose-shaped tattoo on her head. The flower is red, it has several thorns. She made it a year and a half ago.

- This is my favorite flower. I gave the tattooer an idea, he designed the drawing. I think that a pretty, sweet rose, so "feminine", would rather not suit me. I often act faster than I think. I went to my friend, to the tattoo studio. It turned out he was going to a convention and asked if I would go with him as a model. "You say and you have it," I blurted out. Then I realized what I was into. After all, there will be crowds of people there. But I can't break my promises. Since I promised, I couldn't put him to the wind. The moment I had to take my hat off I was afraid the most. I imagined they would stare at me, point their fingers at me. And here is nothing, peace. It made me think. Fear was living in my head.

I did not wear a mask, I built a wall

- I often asked myself, what next? With a clear conscience I can say that thousands of times. Finally, the therapist told me to come up with some bad scenarios. She made me realize that when I tame them, I would stop worrying about them. It helped. It's better now, although I have many things to work through.

- How do you perceive your femininity today? A few years ago, you looked at your reflection in the mirror and insulted yourself?

- I am quite nice to myself now. I do not yet have the courage to stand in front of the mirror and say, "You are beautiful." Sometimes I throw in the direction of my reflection: "it's not bad". I go forward, step by step. I'm a bald chick and that's it. I do not have a problem with that.

- When I'm having a hard time, sometimes I swear, sometimes I stamp my foot, and sometimes I just sit in the corner and don't speak. I had to learn to express my emotions.

It was my illness that made me humble. She made me take care of myself again, I learned my worth. I'm back to painting my nails, I dress well. I have pulled down the wall around me and I won't attack anyone who comes near me.

  • Zuzanna: "I don't think thatsuffering ennobles "
  • Kasia: "This is me, this is my hair. I'm awesome. No more complexes! "
  • Agata: "I felt relieved when my last eyelash fell out"
  • Magdalena: There was no word "bald" in my dictionary
  • Aleksandra: "Get away from her or you will get infected"
About the author of the bookMarta Kawczyńska - journalist, psychotherapist of dance and movement (DMT), author of the book "Alopecian women. Stories of bald women", Wyd. Harde, 2022About the authorMarcelina Dzięciołowska Editor for many years associated with the medical industry. He specializes in he alth and an active lifestyle. A private passion for psychology inspires her to take up difficult topics in this field. Author of a series of interviews in the field of psycho-oncology, the aim of which is to build awareness and break stereotypes about cancer. He believes that the right mental attitude can work wonders, therefore he promotes professional knowledge based on consultations with specialists.

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Immune system