I have been with a partner a few years younger than me for a year. I have an unsuccessful marriage (10 years of internship) and an 8-year-old daughter from marriage. After the divorce, I was 1.5 years with a partner with whom we did not get along (rather his fault than mine). Soon after this relationship, I met my current partner. We don't live together, but we spend most of our time together. I treat him like a household member. My daughter liked him very much, they have great contact. Unfortunately, due to the divorce, she spends the weekend with her father every two weeks. The very thought of my partner that He is coming puts him in a bad mood. At the beginning of the relationship, we had honest conversations, we talked about our past. My partner is my 3rd sexual partner and I have never expressed myself, e.g. better you are worse. I avoided it because I was afraid that she would compare. From my stories alone, it can be concluded that I was not satisfied in bed with my previous partners. The current one, as I wrote, is younger than me (5 years old) and has 2 relationships (short) behind him, of which I am the 2nd sexual partner, not counting the one who had sex. So what's the problem? There was a time when we planned to move in together (at the beginning), we love each other very much, we feel good in every sphere, we have fun together, we have common interests. The problem started after talking about my past. I still hear that his heart aches, that he sometimes loves me and hates me at once, that others have touched me, they have been. It happens that he gets depressed that I will not be his wife before God (because I already have a husband). On the other hand, he says that I am what he dreamed of, a good woman, warm and caring, that he would like to have a child with me. He claims that the more he loves me, the more he feels the pain associated with my past. He cries a lot. I try to support him, explain that each of us has a past, we are not teenagers. He has a grudge against himself that he gave himself to the wrong woman and that he regrets that it was not me, but on the other hand, I would like to add that I cannot give him this "devotion only to him". With all this, we have already talked about the breakup. But we love each other too much for either of us to do it. Recently he came up with the idea that maybe we will break up for some time, and he will have other partners during this time, but God forbid that I would have someone during this time, I should wait for him to come back. I said it was absurdto which he replied that it was so exhausting him that he began to believe that he was abnormal and that he hated himself. I do not know what to do. I love him very much, after my bad experiences I feel that he is this man. I endure these states, I hug him, I say it will pass, his family also tell him that he needs time. On the other hand, if he loves me so much, why is this pain growing right now? Recently, he talked with his friend, a psychologist, who told him that he would be so, that such people choose solitude. Now my partner is totally depressed and started to believe that it will never change, so he doesn't want to hurt me… but he also loves too much to part. I live in it out of love and hope it will pass. I am asking for advice, what can I do, how to help him?
I think that your partner's problem is not about being alone. I think the partner has beliefs about women and relationships that contradict the real situation. These beliefs may be as follows: - my life partner should be a virgin, with no sexual past - a woman who has had several men is easy - a woman with a sexual history does not deserve love and the like. He is probably not fully aware of them, but they cause suffering and tearing. He is unable to get rid of them and change his way of thinking - accept that he can be happy with you, love you regardless of the past, which is really unimportant. Realizing this would allow him to get out of these rigid schemas and reevaluate them - recognizing that he can also be happy in a different situation, and not only in the one he may have assumed many years ago: "the woman of my life cannot have other partners in front of me. ". Please try to make your partner aware of this. If this does not help, he should seek help from a psychologist. The problem will not resolve itself if your partner's approach to relationships is not reevaluated.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Magdalena Krzak (Bogdaniuk)
Psychologist, psychotherapist, clinical sexologist and forensic sexologist. He has a Clinical Sexologist Certificate, awarded by the Polish Society of Sexology, after completing full specialization in clinical sexology in Warsaw, and a Court Sexologist Certificate. He deals with the treatment of sexual disorders in women and men. He works both individually and with couples. She conducts psychotherapy for victims of sexual violence. He conducts diagnostics and psychological support for transsexual people.
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