My problem is very complex and I have been struggling with it for a long time. It started about 15 years ago when a lovely he althy baby girl appeared in our very loving new marriage. We both cared for her very much, and we were forgetting each other more and more. My wife did not work, she looked after the house and the child, and I was the only breadwinner after returning home, taking over her duties so that she could rest. With time, there was a shortage of funds, so I made extra money where and when I could. We saw each other less and less, because when my wife was asleep, I left for work, and when I came back she was already asleep. And this is how we moved away from each other, we ended up with any affectionate words, hugs, and I could forget about sex. There was a situation that shouldn't have happened, but unfortunately it did… I took my wife by force. It did not change our relationship with each other … As she was dry and cold before, it was the same all the time after the incident. Unfortunately, our little one fell ill and died unhappily. We both experienced it incredibly, because the baby was only 1 year and 5 months old … After the funeral, it was as if my wife woke up and saw that I also existed. Our premarital passion began to return. A few months was almost fine, and then my wife's reluctance returned. I tried to talk to her, but she always shirked out of time or said I was picking on me. We started to live side by side, fulfilling some common duties, until somehow our second child was born. It was ok for some time. Then we went back to the version with the first child. I felt more and more nervous, so I started reaching for the glass more often. We argued often and she had a grudge against her. We couldn't find a common language. Eventually she found a common language, but with a different man. I discovered her way to escape marriage. For me, the world collapsed … I got even more drunk, and on the way was another child that I didn't think was mine. She denied everything that it was not true, but finally admitted that she wanted to do it with others without coaxing pleas or using force. I experienced it tremendously, I didn't know what to do! I loved my wife and child. I was already divorced from my first wife, who cheated on me, and the same thing happened again. After a while I decided to start over withnew, it was really hard for me but I tried as best I could and could. The joy did not last long, only a few months, and the situation returned to normal. I mean, at home, I was only needed to go shopping and help with household chores, and I could erase passion, tenderness and sex from my dictionary. I asked and pleaded, but she was closed in on herself, in her world. There was again a situation of "force" taking a wife and, in the heat of further quarrels, to fights. We argued very often, even every day. There were situations when I came back from work, I would throw out the rubbish, go to the store, flap carpets or other extra activities or have a beer with my friends, so as not to listen to this terrible scream immediately after opening the door. I was raised in such a way that I was not able to leave the woman I loved, with whom I had at least one child, and go to bed with another, so I drowned my need for sex in a glass more and more often. And so we stayed together for the next few years. We changed our residence and my wife started working and another friend was hugging my wife. This time there was no translation on her part. I don't know what got into me, but I got into this dead situation once again. We went to marriage therapy, we started making love quite often, because it happened several times a week. Sex was and is a problem in our relationship. The next farce did not last very long. It turned out that, unfortunately, I am not able to be with my wife, because she still loves her "friend". Blood flooded me, I tried to talk calmly, but unfortunately I couldn't. It came to blows and I left the house for a year. I am drawn to this woman all the time, only her not to me. Now we are more and more willing to talk to each other, together we try to establish something in our relationship. I have become a "henpecker". I am at its beck and call, I offer help and I try to control many situations by pouring water on fire, not oil. Unfortunately, since we have been together for six months, we have not had sex with each other, because she has a grudge against me for raping her person. I don't want to make love to me or anyone else, just sex for her may not exist. I don't know how to fix it, but I have no idea how to solve this situation. I am afraid that this time I will not last long in such a relationship and I will dissolve it with a lawsuit, and I would like to avoid this situation because of two wonderful daughters. The therapy is eliminated due to lack of time, besides, the previous one did not bring anything back after six months of attendance. I am losing my strength to push this "cart" and I would like to jump into it and ride in it with my wife whom I love. I am asking for any hints what to do next, what path I should followmove.
You and your wife have gone through many difficult situations that have left their mark on your relationship and are not easy to erase. Firstlydistance from each other , secondly, the death of the child, which is a huge challenge for the parent. Third, forcing my wife to have intercourse - what the wife rightly callsrape- I think most women would withdraw from intercourse in such a situation and would no longer be able to trust her husband. Then the betrayals of his wife, which in turn were very harmful to the Lord.
As you can see, you cannot cope with so many problems on your own and no wonder it is a very difficult situation. It is also difficult to say if the next therapy would help, since the wife already hasreluctanceand lack of motivation. For the therapy to be effective, both parties must be willing to rectify the situation and be able to forgive each other. Sometimes people by force and at all costs want to maintain the relationship, but I wonder if it always makes sense? And what will the children suffer more from? When it comes to divorce, what are the chances that they will see their parents smiling in the future? Watching the quarrels over the next few years, is there a lack of tenderness and reluctance of parents towards each other? After all, for children, parents are a model of how to create a relationship in the future - in such a situation it may be difficult for them to create a successful relationship with a partner.
If I were you, I would consider whether to maintain the relationship at all costs is a good solution? And why do you care so much about it? Is it love? Or maybe attachment, fear of loneliness? Because it seems to me that love between two people looks a little different than the feelings that are now between you.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Magdalena Krzak (Bogdaniuk)
Psychologist, psychotherapist, clinical sexologist and forensic sexologist. He has a Clinical Sexologist Certificate, awarded by the Polish Society of Sexology, after completing full specialization in clinical sexology in Warsaw, and a Court Sexologist Certificate. He deals with the treatment of sexual disorders in women and men. He works both individually and with couples. She conducts psychotherapy for victims of sexual violence. He conducts diagnostics and psychological support for transsexual people.
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