My significant other does not take the initiative to have sex and has eternal excuses not to do so when I want to. I am 4 years older and I am he althy. We are together for 2 years. My partner is 22 years old. She suffered from anemia and has had asthma since the age of 6. Now she is suspected of having Hashimoto. She does not use and has never used contraception. I use condoms very sporadically. The partner was taking iron tablets + vitamins. Now he is taking Euthyrox N50. For two years she lost 15 kg to look better - it didn't bother me. We do not do competitive sports. We argue a lot about crap or bigger things. We love each other and we want to be together. I don't cheat and I don't think she is cheating on me. Because of this problem, my suspicions and questions to her were sometimes. Ultimately, I don't feel like he isn't cheating on me (except on an irregular basis?) So I don't bring it up, but the problem is not resolved. I only care about her and I hear that she cares about me too. I have seen for a long time that many daily activities and chats are more important than passion. From the very beginning, she never flirted with me, explaining that she couldn't. The sex is rather direct, without creating an atmosphere (she never tried to dance, frolic, etc.). Sex itself is not short (once even several hours), and now it is about 30 minutes to 2.5 hours. I am playing with sex, but I have been observing for a year and a half that she is only "hard" and as soon as possible. When I can't stand it, it speeds up: "come on, more" and asks a strange question "already"? I do not have and did not have any complexes. Lubrication occurs with her. I don't know how an orgasm manifests itself in her, be it mucus similar to lubrication or ejaculation (she has never had one), and according to what they write on the internet, that's how an orgasm manifests itself (unless they are lying). In the first year of her relationship, she had vaginal discharge, abrasions inside her lips and pimples (treated with ointment). No such ailments occurred in the second year. She only had the Helicobacter Pyroli bacterium. She was at the gastroenterologist when she was anemic. Her blood tests are fine, she has a low thyroid gland. I miss close-ups. Love is not only sex, but I do not recognize its lack. How often do people have sex at this age, and should I worry? We make love 3 times a week on average, I always initiate sex. Recently, when she herself was striving for intercourse,that was half a year ago. Sex on my part is in 70% I feel as if I was forcing her, because she often turns her face away, lies like a log. He often finds reasons to push me away or talks about what needs to be done (starts with unpleasant topics, excuses himself with fatigue). Is it boredom with sex or me? Have I never made her orgasm - ejaculate? Is it some kind of disease? Quarrels are the most common reason for a lack of excitement. I don't consider myself unattractive because she is jealous of me. I have limited contacts not only with my childhood friends, but even with my friends - it's hard for me to go out for a beer. We are both stubborn. I am fed up with being the eternal initiator and many times repulsed or treated with grace. I tried to talk, but it didn't change much. I heard that she actually recognized that she was not the initiator, but I would only love each other. If I had ignored this point, we would have made love maybe once every six months. We used to be insulted at each other for half a month, and we talked and kissed after reconciliation. I did not take any step and I saw that she was not even eager to pursue anything. If she was cheating on me, wouldn't she be calling me like that and spending time with me? Not wanting her is tiring and I wouldn't like to go on, but I can't imagine my life without her. It's easier for me to do something myself. I can't betray you. I tried to write as objectively as possible and in line with reality. Could this be a sophisticated betrayal on her part? As you can see, the situation leads me to such radical doubts. I have seen often that she likes to be teased. She always denied that she had done anything, or she did it to make me pay more attention to her because I watch myself. She is a provocateur (I try not to pay attention to it). Sometimes lying. I only confess if I can prove it. Then he says he regrets it. I often felt sorry, and then it passed and I forgot. As I write this, I am ashamed. I tried to talk to her about it, but unfortunately she has excuses or is spreading her hands. The explanations are often absurd. The solution to the problem is important to me because I love her.
Many factors affect the quality of the sexual and emotional relationship of any relationship. A system in which one of the partners has very low needs requires a thorough sexological analysis. It could be the fault of the temperament, or it could be a deeper problem of a medical or psychogenic nature. Women who suffer from hypothyroidism or Hashimoto's disease define their desire for sex on a very low, and sometimes even zero level. From ailments and diseases from which she is suffering or has sufferedyour partner's anemia, which has an impact on the decrease in libido, is most important. Avoiding erotic situations can also result from rigorous parenting, sexual inhibitions, depressive disorders, or past difficult, traumatic sexual experiences. There can be many reasons, and to determine the exact cause, however, a thorough sexological interview is necessary.
In your case, we can talk about disharmony resulting from sexual mismatch in terms of needs, and thus the frequency of intercourse. For you, sex is a source of joy and satisfaction, and for a partner who has a low level of libido, it can become increasingly frustrating and discouraging over time.
You write that you love each other very much and you want to be together. Perhaps, therefore, it is worth considering a joint therapy. Since your needs are greater than those of your partner, sex is a source of potential conflict instead of being a source of joy. Your partner may feel unhappy forcing yourself to have sex, and you are also unhappy to see her reluctance to meet your expectations in this area. The essence of therapy in your case may be based on adjusting your needs and finding a level of compromise.
You ask how often couples of this age make love. Well, this is a very individual matter, but studies say it is about once to twice a week. However, women are less likely to initiate intercourse and generally more often less willing to have sex than men. For many women, the most important thing in a relationship is closeness, warmth, trust, and an emotional bond, of course. However, in the case of men, sex is often the barometer of the quality of a relationship. That is why in every relationship it is very important to talk and get to know each other's needs and expectations.
Based on your description, it does not seem that the cause of the problems is boredom or betrayal. The key here is the partner's general level of libido, which - as the description shows - is generally very low. Whether you brought your partner to orgasm and pleasure can only be said by the partner, because it is a very subjective feeling. Not all women ejaculate, and few do. During female orgasm, men experience regular uterine contractions and involuntary contractions of the anal sphincter. To sum up: the sexual sphere is very important for a relationship, so I recommend an honest conversation with your partner about mutual expectations related to sex and possibly a joint visit to a sexologist.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Agnieszka ChochołSexologist, psychologist, Solution Focused Therapy therapist, certified ICC coach. He deals with promoting broadly understood sexual he alth as well as providing help and support in the field of sexual and psychological difficulties. She conducts individual therapy and couples therapy. More at: http://sulec-radom.pl/
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